October 10th, 2011 at 01:56am
The first paragraph was confusing, like she died twice! It was only near the end that you realised she took the pills and then got in the bath! I think it was the use of the word 'attempt'.
Aside from that it was a good read.
(I am gonna sound like my tutor now... sorry!) It was a bit wordy in parts like things were over or repeatedly described... like hall seating or Kennedy. Other things like the death in first paragraph lacked firm description... but I could be talking nonsense, lol!
So, yeah... my thoughts!
I love the idea and the way you wrote it out, you know how much I love when you're being vague and then BAM you put it all out there.
Though, I do feel like when she finally let's the audience know what she's done, there should be some more detail in there, or throughout the story as Kennedy seems to be more and more certain that Ryder is the one who killed her, she should be getting increasingly more paranoid- but not in a like 'Oh god! Oh god, she knows!' obvious-type way, but a quiet eye shift here or throat clearing there kind of thing, ya know? Does that make any fuckin' sense? Haha. Just to build a little suspense. Like, just so the reader knows that something is up, but just can't exactly figure out what it is.
I almost wish there was more so you could elaborate more on what happened, but in the end, I think it turned out really well and I definitely feel that your professor is going to like it.