Venus - Comments

AS SOON AS SUMMER STARTS MY CHAPTER WILL BE IN <3

This story really interests me so far. As a lot of other commenters (sorry to be redundant), but I found a few grammatical/spelling errors, but I was still able to enjoy the story. Both of the characters seem interesting so far, and I can't wait to read more! :)

I won't be a silent reader!! The print was pretty small but I enjoyed reading this. It seems Venus and Nolan are going through the same thing. I can't wait until they converse.

this is a really good story :]

This is good! I enjoy the layout. Wooden backgrounds have always been my favorite and though they don't go with every story, it really fits for this one. Your descriptions are really good. A lot of people struggle with descriptions and you seem to not be having that trouble at all. Overall, wonderfully done!

this is wonderful, really.

I adore this. I didn't notice any errors, til the i read the other comments. I love how descriptive you are, beautiful writing. <3

She was hiding her face and shaking as if she was sobbing, walking over to her I could see her make-up running down her pale cheeks and her hair in a messy bun, it was a fierce red, I wasn’t sure if I should say anything.

I love this line. It could picture it clearly because of it.

dark shade of blue burning a whole into my skull

I love how this is how you explain her being irritated. It's different and more discriptive.

maybe she is hoping to see me again to?

I think that to supposed to be too with two 'o's.

I love how he seems sweet then gets cocky again but turns sweet again. But then again it seems less realalistic like you couldn't make up your mind while writting him but then again it made it seem like he was second guessing himself which he was lol.

I liked it; enough to draw people in and wonder but answered a lot in one chapter. It was a refreshing balance.

Before I repeat a bunch of things that others have said, I'll just say that I agree with Demi Lovato and Rita Mordio in terms of all the grammar mistakes. Make use of commas and don't be afraid to use a lot of them. It doesn't matter as long as thoughts are adequately separated. Be very careful about switching tenses accidentally, because it can be very distracting, not to mention confusing.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this. The layout was well put together and easy to read without becoming distracted, and none of the colors clashed. You use imagery quite well, and I could clearly see what was happening in my head as I read it. It's really too bad that he walked away. Girls like her need someone to love them.

Good job!

This was beautiful! The beginning was fast paced, as well as very well thought through. I do sadly, believe that the main character is a bit full of himself. Seriously. A Greek God? At the same time though, this seems to be a bit of your theme in your story ;)
Which is awesome. Having comparisons like that in a story always make it all the more interesting to read!

There were a few grammar errors I thought I should point out:

self-conceited
If you were to just say "conceited", that would suffice completely. Were you going for self-absorbed by chance?

Also. Whole.
I believe you meant "hole"

Her make-up was still everywhere on her face, I don’t understand why girls cake there face with make-up there beautiful inside and out.

It might have been better if you had said something along the lines of: Her make-up was smeared over her face. I don't understand why girls cake their faces with make-up. They're beautiful inside and out.

That is only a suggestion though. The continuity of that paragraph bugged me. I think there are times when you use the word, "Me" a lot. This actually does illustrate the main character's obsession with himself, so kudos for that.

I am really interested in this story so far. This girl, who I am guessing is his Venus really fascinates me. It always makes me sad to see girls who are being abused though. :(
But if she is Venus, does that make him Aires or Eres? I can't spell names right!

So far, amazing. I really think you have something going for this story, and I hope you continue it.~!

The first sentence would sound better if you took the second "morning" out.

The cold air brushing against my skin leaving goose bumps as I started my morning run down Bethel road.

"Brushing" should be brushed. And it sounds repetitive with all the "morning"s.

Upbeat music flows into my ears a tiny smile plays on my lips. I felt refreshed as I covered miles after miles of running.

Your tenses keep changing. You should pick the past or the present.

Slowing my pace to a stop and taking in deep breathes I noticed a girl sitting on the bench just a few feet from the dirty sewage river.

There should be a comma after "breathes" and instead of that word it should be "breaths", without the 'e'.

She was hiding her face and shaking as if she was sobbing, walking over to her I could see her make-up running down her pale cheeks and her hair in a messy bun, it was a fierce red, I wasn’t sure if I should say anything, hiding behind a tree I noticed the tiny black bruise on her small wrists, they were like hand marks as if someone grabbed her wrists too hard.

That is a nice, lengthy paragraph, but only ONE sentence. There should be at least a period after "anything".

Glancing slowly at her again she was standing holding her small figure.

A comma after "again".

She was small for height about five feet tall only.

It would sound better if you put "only" between "height" and "about".

Being the shy guy I stood up and began to walk away, leaving my chance for an angel standing by herself.

There should be a comma after "guy".

That's just about it. Make sure you go back and change all your verbs into one tense instead of various tenses. Sorry if you thought I was too picky :)

This was a very interesting beginning. I spotted a few grammar/spelling mistakes here and there, but it was nothing too horrible. Despite that, I enjoyed this. The ending leaves it very open for interpretation in many ways. Venus is definitely a cool character and I like her already. Great job!

Firstly, can I just say I spotted quite a few spelling/grammar mistakes. I don't know whether you've noticed them, but I think if you got someone to proof-read this for you they could be easily fixed. I was also a bit confused about which tense this was in, as in the first sentence it seems to be in past tense but a few sentences later it appears to swap to present tense.

Despite these mistakes, I actually really enjoyed this. The plot was something new for me and I was intrigued as to what was going to happen next. I was waiting for one of them to say something, and it shocked me a bit that he walked away. However, the way you ended it leaves it open for anything to happen. It also surprised me a bit that you wrote this from the boy's perspective, as most first person stories tend to be from a female's perspective.

Your layout is stunning as well. The picture is beautiful and clear and the colours in it are stunning. It matches the wood background very well, and I love the red border, too.

Another thing I noticed was the amount of description you used. I find it unusual to have that amount of description with no dialogue to counterbalance it, but I found that this worked very well and that it wasn't overwhelming.

I really want to see how this progresses though. :)

I love the way you use imagery to create the character. Although I couldn't see any errors. I think you are an amazing writer and should continue to be awsome :)

Wow, I can't believe I'm the first commenter here!

Before I comment on the actual writing, I really have to say that I love this layout. It's one of the best I've seen. There are no blank spaces, and all the textures and colours work well together, but at the same time, it's very clear and readable. That gives me a great first impression!

There are a few, small things I would correct in the summary. Firstly, I think you meant to say 'breath' instead of 'breathe'. Secondly, if you are talking about Earth as a planet, you should capitalise it, like you've done for Venus. Thirdly, some commas could really break this up and make it easier to swallow. The chapter title, 'Your The Venus To My Earth', should also say 'You're'. I would really suggest fixing that when you can, because having a typo in the chapter title looks sloppy.

Your actual substance in the chapter you have up is good, but, again, there are some errors. You say you've gone over it twice yourself, yet, in the very first sentence, there are already two mistakes ('lied' instead of 'lay' and 'arouse' instead of 'arose'). There are also odd fullstops and other marks of punctuation missing. For this reason, maybe you should get a beta-reader or proof-reader to help you with this. There's no point letting yourself be held back by something as silly and easily fixable as spelling.

Like I say, though, once you get past this, your actual story is fine. You go into lots of detail, which I like, and I'd be interested to see how much better it sounds when it's polished.