March 7th, 2012 at 10:38pm
Relationship Ships: Cyclone Fever
Prologue
The first thing I noticed about this piece was the names. I loved them. Especially Arjan since it was a name that's not very common (where I'm from). It reminded of the name of the character in Persepolis, Marjane, so I wondered if perhaps this character was of the same heritage. I immediately started thinking that perhaps this story would be set in some place in the Middle East (or at the least, not take place in the average setting of stories on Mibba) and I liked that. After reading a bit further - seeing the line “...survive this cruel world” - I wondered if this was possibly set in the future, maybe some kind of dystopian future. And that was something that really interested me. I loved that this small prologue and just the names of the characters got me thinking so much and wanting to read more.
Chapter 1
After reading the first page (I printed this out so I could read it between classes), I found that I wasn't enjoying the narrative voice – that may be this story would have worked better if told in third person, where we wouldn't have to be inside Hurricane's head. I found that I connected with her as a character while being so exposed to her every though, which tended to be redundant* and too much like you were trying to hammer the point home – the fact that she was pretending to fall in love with Arjan was stated so much, it seemed like overkill. I think it would have worked better if, instead, you showed how her feelings for Arjan were changing in her actions, something a bit more subtle.
Reading on, as I moved to the part that were more heavy on dialogue, I found that some of the dialogue was a bit unrealistic and possibly a bit melodramatic (some parts read a lot like soap opera dialogues). The exchange between Arjan and Hurricane seemed too planned. Usually when people are in these kinds of convos they have to kind of search for what to say so it doesn't come out so...perfectly worded and straight to the point.
Again, near the end, the repetitiveness comes back – when Hurricane keeps saying (thinking) that she just can't be falling in love with Arjan. She also does the same for the fact that this world (whatever world this story takes place in) is 'sick' and 'cruel' without ever stating why, which is really frustrating as reader. I feel like if you put so much emphasis on something that we should at least know why that is.
Overall
I think you did a really good job when choosing a situation to fit the prompt given. I definitely like that you chose to do something different and more interesting than the average 'high school kids from different cliques' thing or something else that would have been equally cliché.
Even though this is a one-shot, I would have liked to see a bit more of the characters' personalities shine through. I felt that in this piece I couldn't really get a good view of who they were.
* In Hurricane's narrative, I think her redundancy could have been paired well with her fever (and fevered mind) if it were less composed, more rambly and disorganized. I think if her narration appeared more anxious and disjointed, her constantly repeating herself would have felt more natural and the fact that she was sick and not really in her right mind would have come across better.
The thing I loved about this piece was that it really did make me want to read more. I found myself interested in their situation and this world you've created, and I wanted to know more about it.
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Thanks for entering the Relationships Ships contest. :)
I like the names of the two characters, they're really quite interesting and intriguing. :) And I also like how you've put 'Hurricane', because it starts to make the readers question why it's written like that instead of put down as a name and nothing more. And you do that with 'love' too, and again it makes the reader question, but it's also cool because even the narrator is questioning it as well! I think it's a really good summary, it presents the idea of love and the two characters and how 'Hurricane' has some issued(?) that might need to be sorted out and what not. You set it up well and feed some curiosity to the readers. :)
Fire and Ice
‘Sometimes I really need to get out of my own head,’ I mumbled into my hands. - I feel like this is a really good line to start the story off because it goes back to the summary really well. You depict her as someone who is constantly running and in a way it makes you think she would have to live in her own head because there was nowhere else safe enough for her; living in her head is the only way to kind of not be disappointed I guess?
That was how it always was. That was how it should be. We weren’t supposed to be falling in love. And we weren’t. Of course we weren’t...
I just had to keep telling myself that. - I also like this part here. :) She's admitted she needs to let emotion into her life every now and then but she's also vowed to kind of never do it and then she's got this problem of falling in love. And I like how it trails off and she has to tell herself that she shouldn't fall in love, but she knows it's going to happen. :) I like how it depicts Hurricane as a strong person (even if it's her own idea of herself) and yet there's something making her weak and maybe that's why she doesn't want it to happen...because she's fought hard for everything else and doesn't want to fall because of love.
Then cue to the problem of deceiving Arjan(?) and it not working out too well. :) Nice conflict within the plot there. :)
his voice low in the dim, concrete room that seemed to be growing hotter and smaller with every passing second, the walls closing in around us. It was late and, for the first time in weeks, I really was exhausted. I felt dizzy and sick, almost feverish. I should be going to bed. - I like the description here and how everything happening to her is making her feel this way. :) It's a really nice way to show how she feels about being too close to people. :) Especially when she's trying to kid herself that she's not in love ;)
Without warning, he was there again, his eyes like flames in a cold night, his calescent touch scorching my frozen skin, his soft breath breathing warmth into my desolate soul. We were Fire and Ice. He was all the warmth and heat that I did not possess. We were opposites, but maybe that was a good thing. - this is also just wonderful description; the contrasting is nice it's just well thought-out! :)
I think the natural/weather imagery is just so good within this piece, it really captures the relationship between the two and the kind of person Hurricane is - even her 'name' kind of denotes some kind of disaster. :) I think it's just thought-out so well and the description is just great. :) It's a really nice read and I liked how in the ending that she didn't succumb to anything; she fought back and became the person she wanted to be. :)