Abnormal Love - Comments

Bless Gerard for trying to bake a cake!
So cute! XD

awwwwww cute shaqring the cereal and all xD and they were about to kiss!!! and cool you listen to Eminem too?

I had a FEELING that was an Emminem title =D

I love this story, how he's talking directly to Gerard through the whole thing.It's a really awesome way of writing! Like like like like like!!

RAY KNOWS SOMETHING!!!!!
Bless Mikey.

loooove that song :d thnkx for the shoutout and Gee is so adorable caring for Mikey c:

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
So AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW worthy.
xD

*SQUEAK!* I'm wonderful!?!? Ahh, how flattering! ;D

Peter Pan. <3 Oh. My. Fucking. God. <3
My mum brought me up with the movie.
Her name is Wendy.
And across the road from us there used to be a couple called Peter and Wendy.
I fucking love Peter Pan.
I can marry your story, yes???

I like Frank in real life but in this....
I feel so sorry for mikey, his feelings getting crushed like that.
You make some pretty AWESOME stories, just continue with it if you like it and don't stop like I know you might.

Frank. Is. An asshole. =) I feel bad for Mikey

well someone was being an asshole >:( *cough*Frank*cough* that wasn't very nice >:(

works for me :) and Gee is so blind i mean even Frank notices! and i think Ray does too! gah, men *rolls eyes*

I feel like my comment is going to be pitiful *looks up at the others* *sigh* well...

I'm not a fan of Waycest in the slightest. It wierds me out to no end. HOWEVER, this is wonderful! Given, the Frank-bashing kinda makes me go grrrr at Mikey, but I feel so bad for him that I don't have the heart to grr at him! This is wonderful and lovely and just...GAH!

I really liked your choice of narrative here. I think it works really well to have the readers inside Mikey's head because it has the potential to really allow readers to understand his feelings, which I think is especially important in an incest story.

I like the kind of irony going on here with Mikey being 'sickened' by the fans wanting to see more of Gerard and Frank's sexual shenanigans and then Mikey even going so far as to call Frank a freak (even if it's in his head), when -looking at general feelings about incest- Mikey would be more likely to be considered the freak. I like that it only slightly registers with him how wrong people may perceive his feelings to be and how little it really registers that his feelings of jealousy and possessiveness would be perceived as more 'wrong' than Frank's; specifically his comment '‘He’s MY brother, you freak.’ – that he feels he has more a right to be jealous because Gerard – by default – belongs to him because they're brothers, when Gerard being his brother would be considered the reason he shouldn't be jealous at all.

When I read the second chapter, I felt that a lot of the dialogue between the hospital officials wasn't realistic. The phrasing was forced and I couldn't imagine any doctor, nurse, or aide speaking that way. Like here: "Very well, Doctor Brinkley, I shall arrange for this to happen." and here "I can see you are suffering greatly sir, for this reason I shall give you a maximum of five minutes to see your brother. No more than five minutes.". I'd think that in a hectic hospital situation, the personnel would be more brief and straightforward – a simple Okay, I'll get it done, Doctor Brinkley, or just saying You have five minutes, rather than taking the time to explain to this person in grief why she's letting him see his brother.

Also, in the second chapter, the spacing and the grammar gets a bit sloppy. There's chunks of text that aren't properly spaced and instances where the punctuation both in dialogue and narrative isn't correct, and even issue with capitalization within sentences. You may want to consider getting a beta or editor [1] to look over it.

By the end of chapter two I felt a little confused. No explanation was offered as to why Mikey passed out or why he's in the hospital or why he's been in a coma for the past four days. It just...it doesn't really make any sense. Gerard says Ray told him not to let Mikey sleep, which makes it seem like he had a concussion at some point, but when did this concussion occur? Before or after he passed out? If after, then we still have the question of what caused him pass out. If before, then I think it would help to give the readers some kind of background into that situation.

Reading this part of the third chapter - Then I turn off the oxygen supply from the power switch; I can breathe easily and naturally myself now, and there are other people who need the oxygen more than me. – I wasn't sure how realistic it was. I think I can very easily see someone waking up and pulling off their oxygen mask, but to have their wits about them enough and enough mobility to turn off the oxygen supply doesn't seem likely. Similarly, I wouldn't expect someone who's been unconscious for, at the least, four days to pick up and a pen and writer – even if they're a musician. It just doesn't seem plausible, so that was something that really pulled me out of the story.

The thing I liked about this piece was the narration. Aside from the things I pointed out, I think you have a really nice narrative voice going here and often your word choice and how you form your writing is very enjoyable to read.

* I ended up using the default layout when reading this because I thought the font size was too big and the background image (especially when paired with the banner) was just too busy.
** When you tag your dialogue, the comma should be inside the quotes in this case: ‘He’s MY brother, you freak,’ I think, looking at him. 
*** Here, where Gerard is specifically addressing Mikey, there should be a comma before his name, like this: "I'm so sorry, Mikey, Ray told me not to let you sleep, he told me you could go into a coma, and I didn't listen to him, Mikey, and now look at you. This is all my fault."
**** I can feel myself awaking.. This should either be awakening or waking.

I’m honestly not a fan of the layout, but that’s just my personal preference, I’m not very fond of premade layouts. Judging from the summary, I’m guessing that it’s going to be a Waycest? I don’t follow My Chemical Romance but I do know that Gerard and Mikey are brothers, haha. I recommend putting a disclaimer in the summary saying that it is incest, because some people may be uncomfortable with that and you should at least warn them, y’know?

I’m not a fan of second person very much at all, but I must say it isn’t too bad in your story. You can just feel the love that Mikey has for his brother just radiating off him even though he doesn’t explicitly say that he loves his brother, you tell it through his actions and inner dialogue rather than stating it out aloud, well done. He has a kind of woe-is-me attitude towards Gerard, but that’s understandable, and I like the bittersweet undertone you’ve got going on, especially when you delve back into past memories.

I don’t have much criticism, just that you might want to slow down and expand some parts, you move a bit too fast in some parts, especially when Mikey was put in hospital. I was wondering what on earth had happened. Also, you should double space when you start a new paragraph/line of dialogue, it’s much easier to read and it isn’t as cramped.

Good job so far :D

awwww poor Mikey :( and oh no he found it o.o and thnx for the love <3

That poem reminds me of how I used to/still sort of feel about an old best friend. However, it's beautiful, none the less, despite the bitter memory.

I adore your writing =) it's wonderful.

And YAY! 'tis me!! =D

awwwww pooor Mikey i love this its soooo sweet and cute :3 and amazing :D

MOOOREEE! I love it! I absolutely adore it! It's strange and wonderful and I just...AHHH! <3<3<3

Again, very good. I really feel mikey's sorrow :')
update soon!

I love the point of view that you've done, its very clever :)
If you have time check out my frerard fanfic I fell in love with a fallen angel