This was really good. It was really sad, and I instantly felt sorry for the main character. I'm really glad it had a happy ending though. I liked the drama of the conflict scene (I like conflict scenes in general) and the fear that you created when she was on her way home - it built up a good atmosphere for what happened once she got inside the house. My favourite line was "How could it be so beautiful when I couldn’t?" - I just thought that fit the character's mood really well, and it really made me sympathise with her. The only bit of language I didn't like was the bit when you said his face was "red as a tomato". I know that's really picky of me, but I just think that that phrase, as well as sounding a little cliched, made it sound a bit comedic and, obviously, it wasn't a comedy story. I also thought that maybe the conflict scene was a little rushed - the main character instantly started screaming an entire paragraph of insults at her mum's boyfriend, and I thought that was a little unrealistic. Other than that, though, I really enjoyed it. Great job! :D
This was really good. It was really sad, and I instantly felt sorry for the main character. I'm really glad it had a happy ending though. I liked the drama of the conflict scene (I like conflict scenes in general) and the fear that you created when she was on her way home - it built up a good atmosphere for what happened once she got inside the house. My favourite line was "How could it be so beautiful when I couldn’t?" - I just thought that fit the character's mood really well, and it really made me sympathise with her.
The only bit of language I didn't like was the bit when you said his face was "red as a tomato". I know that's really picky of me, but I just think that that phrase, as well as sounding a little cliched, made it sound a bit comedic and, obviously, it wasn't a comedy story. I also thought that maybe the conflict scene was a little rushed - the main character instantly started screaming an entire paragraph of insults at her mum's boyfriend, and I thought that was a little unrealistic. Other than that, though, I really enjoyed it. Great job! :D