January 1st, 2012 at 06:32am
Haha he sounds like a teacher or a parent. Sorry, that's the first thing that popped up when he told her what could happen. The first chapter was short and could probably use a bit more description in my opinion.
Now the next chapter is what I like, more description and action. I like how proud of herself Carly is. Independent women need to be stronger than others, that's how I see it. I like that you're doing this in the male point of view, I write best from a male's perspective which is odd.
What a creep. Who stalks people like that? I mean, I creep on my sexy neighbors because their lives are amusing but not all the time and not when I first moved here haha. I bet she gets into a bunch of trouble or something 'cause how else is she gonna know that he was new?
Oh my God. He's a total creeper, that badge ain't foolin' anyone hun. I would be like, bro why you at my work? I like that she's just like, fuck it, I'll go 'cause that's how I'd react too.
All in all this is kind of an odd take on an officer but I really liked it. This story's got some really great potential. :D
I think you could use a bit more description to make the characters more round and have a setting. The expression pf their personalities through their speech is amazing though and the title plays in so well with the story of a cop and a girl with red hair. This is where the need for descriptions comes back in. The title didn't make sense until I clicked on the character page before I commented and saw that she had red hair. Still, it's all very unique and I love it.
Throughout it all, I think your writing is strong and I'm definitely subscribing. It's nice to finally be able to read a original fic.
PS. Officer Sanders = such a creeper omg xD