Monster - Comments

Ho from Comment Swap. This is dark and creepy, and it's wonderfully written. I enjoy the way you use image and description to create a completely perfect atmosphere. Don't think it's 'too dark' or whatever. What makes it sad or depressing makes it real. I love your work and I hope I get the chance to read more.

Hello there! *Comment Swap*
First of all the layout is pretty good. Goes with the gloomy atmosphere. And the story is well written. But I think the description was lacking. You could've made this longer and told us the story behind the scenes, it would've been easier to connect. Besides, I really wanted to know who/what this guy was. Something supernatural? Or just a lunatic? And as said by someone earlier, it would've been so amazing to know the girls' feelings. Her fascination and terror. I thin the story line has a lot of potential. MAybe you should edit and rewrite this and make us read it again lol

Anyway, good work! The effect it has is mind blowing, and the ending superb. So, well done! :)

I liked this story, but I'd say you should space out the parapgraphs a little more and try to flesh out the story with a little more description - we need a little more details on what's going on with the main character. What is she feeling? What are her surroundings look like? But other than that, this story is quite bone chilling. :)

Comment swap!
This was very good i like the ending a lot to very powerful. The layout is gorgeous and really..... i don't know sets the mood or something its just awesome, I like the Dialogue between the characters and the sarcastic comedy between the two! your a good writer!

There were some spelling errors, and the spacing between paragraphs seems kind of mixed up, but other than that, I really like this. Very in the moment and real. It left me wanting to read more. Good job!

A smoky nightmare. The time passed by really quickly, details are good for stories, so don't just state something when you can "talk" or describe it!
Lol some of the comments are almost as long as your story!

Sorry I came back to post this all together, comment sway wasnt working. Btw your picture is extremely creepy and matches the vampire exactly. Im just happy his eyes are covered I dont want real nightmares...

Lol some of the comments are almost as long as your story!

The time passed by really quickly, details are good for stories, so don't just state something when you can "talk" or describe it!

A smoky nightmare.

So, this was short and sweet! I read through all the comments from previous readers and I felt the same way about majority of their statements. I'm not going to repeat them because you've already been told plenty of times, so I think you know what needs to be fix or improved to make this story readable and decent.

With that being said, I liked this chapter or short story because there wasn't a background story to these characters. It was like we were thrown in and had to figure out this all by ourselves and I liked that aspect of it (that's just me personally) and with the simple fact that your characters weren't that interesting...made them interesting like now I'm curious as to what happened in the beginning and why these characters are the way they are.

The ending of this chapter would have to be my favorite part of the entire story because I felt the main character knew her death was coming and all those cigarettes she smoked was a way to clam her soul or get her ready because that's what cigs do...they are relaxing and the main character understood that, it was sad it happened that way, but I didn't get enough information about that character to feel sad for her because I couldn't relate or put myself in that situation, but this story does have potential and it just needs a little polish, but it will get there.

Some food for thought while I was reading.

30th >> thirtieth. Write out numbers.

There are some spacing issues - there has to be a clean line between each new line. You can get reported for stuff like this so just a warning (:

"Why are you sitting in the dark?" [the] voice I hated asked, [] as if he didn't know. >> There should be a space between the comma and "as if." Also, the dialogue tag should be lowercase.

infront >> in front is two words.

"Answer me[,]" [he] demanded. >> Usually when there's a dialogue tag following, the dialogue usually ends in a comma. Dialogue tags are lowercase.

There are a few more of these, but I won't drive it in.

Its >> It's. Conjunction from "it is."

Ooh, I love the last line. Especially, "my last breathe was filled with cigarette smoke." Great job with that!

It had a good flow, too. When it was starting to get a bit dreary, you brought in another character to freshen everything up.

The characters you have are really great. I love the antithesis of how the MC started with some kind of longing for this "anonymous him," and then with the end, where the dark undertone really takes the floor.

The writing was good - the only issue you had was with the dialogue tags/punctuation in the dialogue, but that hardly took away from the story.

Great job with this and happy writing!

xxx Bee

Is this supposed to be the first chapter? or like a prologue? It feels more like the end of the story, as the first page (you know how stories/books do that..) because there's not enough of a background story to it, like how do they know each other? What's the history??
The writing itself isn't bad, not the best ever, but everyone can use improvement and I'm sure as the story continues the writing will get better.
Great start!

It was an interesting chapter. There are so many vampire, supernatural type stories. I have one myself but I try to keep it unique and out of the box. I'm not sure if this is any different from all the others ones yet. It's a short first chapter and honestly I wasn't completely into it. You didn't space your paragraphs at some points and some grammar issues but editing that should be easy. I felt like I was thrown into the middle of the story, I would have liked more of a character development maybe? I'm just really iffy about this because I've ready really good and interesting stories that have vampires in it and have this high expectation but it just goes down hill. A lot of the titles aren't original either, it's just a pet peeve of mine though. Monster just seems a little overused. All that matters though is that you like writing the story, so don't mind my critique really. Keep writing!

How can you say that this isn’t good?! It’s AMAZING. It’s absolutely beautiful. I must be honest with you when I say that I don’t read vampire/monster stories like this, but yours was brilliant. Truly brilliant. It’s intense and hectic, it flows well – and that’s definitely a good combination for an awesome story. Your characters are marvelous; the “monster”, per say, has this essence of the Grim Reaper, almost. How he tells this other person (girl?) that he’ll save her from everything and that they’ll be able to be together forever because she’s “sick” and wanted so badly to die. I’m very curious to find out what she’s sick with, and if he’s killing her out of spite or out of pure pity.

Nonetheless, this was brilliant. I think this would make a great premise for a chaptered story, unless this is a short story, and we’d maybe get to see how these two people met, what they’re like, what their interests are, etc. But it also works as a short story, I think c:

Once again, awesome job! <3

So, I guess you could say that I enjoyed reading this...I try my best to avoid most vampire/monster stories because most of them have the same plot/idea as countless other ones because such stories are vastly overdone and over used. The writing style was interesting, and it wasn't bad which is a plus to the story, but I did find it too short. If it is to be a short story, I can understand it only being one chapter, but this one was only a few paragraphs, which left me wanting to know a bit more, how they met and why things went downhill an such. The layout was nice, and I enjoyed the picture, but that's about it. I found how simple it was a bit bland...

I don’t think this is poorly written. It’s really too soon to give any sort of opinion. I did like your descriptions, and the way it started forward to give it a chance to go back and see what led to her being in that position. All in all, it’s not original, but its not the worst I’ve read plot wise either. I think you are on the right tack and I think you have true potential because you do have a talent for writing. Don’t give up!

Found your story through comment swap
Personally I didn't find it very interesting. I've read a lot of story's that are like this, vampire/monster type of stories and I have quite high expectations.
Like the person below I didn't like the fact that she wanted to die and you should have started the story from the beginning like when she first met him ect
Unless this is a short story :S

The text was way too bright. Maybe make it a bit more neutral so that it still matches but that it isn't so hard on the eyes. The only thing I didn't like through the story is her wanting to die, if she could have maintained the whole thing she had at the end it would have been pretty good. There was a few grammatical mistakes but nothing too serious. It was hardly noticable actually

I'll start with the layout. As nice as it is to keep it simple, I'm afraid you kept it simple the wrong way. Black with neon text? Not very nice on the eyes. A layout is meant to attract the reader to your story. To bring them in and captivate them. Your layout fails to do that, not only because of it's colors but because of it's simplicity. I don't mean to add a super intense background and picture. I just mean to decorate enough and make it match well as to make the reader feel comfortable enough to read your story.

Before I even start on the story, your summary has two sentences and both don't have periods.

But onto your story.

I found a couple grammar mistakes here and there. You forget to space your paragraphs at times. The plot itself isn't very original. The whole "vampire/monster" idea has been brought on countless and countless of times. I found myself rather bored with the idea by the time I reached the last paragraph. A girl being obsessed with a monster isn't exactly brand new. But, if you do continue I hope you twist it up a bit more. Make it less mainstream. Put some real tension into it. Your detail is good and so is your descriptions. You just need a little more spark.

Ooohh, cool! Love the realistic attitude in your writing. What I mean by that is that your main character is definitely not a Mary Sue. Over all, totally love the whole storyline. Write the next chapter soon!