In just the paragraph you have a lot of fragments. None of your sentences are complete sentences and you really need to work on that. I didn't read the entire first paragraph because it was the same thing, a lot of fragments or sentences that were run ons. I think you need to work on sentence structure a lot in this piece. Otherwise, the plot line is nice, it's just the sentence structure you're not doing so well on.
December 3rd, 2011 at 06:08am