You Say I'm Fixed, but I Still Feel Broken - Comments

This is an awesome idea! I love it! <3

At first I thought you spelled George wrong, but then I realized this was a Tokio Hotel fic. I used to love them! Ah, memories.

So, onto the story. You have a kind of awkward switching between tenses.

"There was a girl in the distance; brown hair, blue eyes and beautiful all around.I have been watching her for a while now. She was wearing flared dark blue jeans and a plain black short sleeved shirt. She was deep in thought and I just couldn’t take my eyes off her."

The bolded part is in present tense, while the rest is in past. The majority of this story is in past tense, so I'm going to assume that's what you were going for. Instead of "I have been watching" it should be "I had been watching". This happens again:

"Unfortunately he was right. Ever since we have decided to take a break from everything, moving here was probably the worst thing, but also the best thing we could have done."

Instead of "ever since we have decided" it should be "ever since we decided". You can just take out the "have" completely.

You actually do this little switch a lot throughout your story, but I'm not going to do all the work and point them all out for you. If I were you, I'd go over what you've written so far and keep an eye out for those present tense verbs that shouldn't be there.

"I know I can’t but just look at her." There should be a comma after can't.

Your overall plot seems a little too cliche for my tastes. Tom is into meaningless sex, but oh here comes this girl who changes everything without even trying. She has a sad life/background but for some reason, unknown to everyone, Tom falls for her. Am I right? If so, you should try your best to make McKenna's personality really pop. You've already made her stand out by having her be deaf, but that's not enough. Give reasons why things are different with her, than with all the other girls Tom has been with.

This is such a sweet story idea. Its really compelling and heart warming.I haven't read many stories where people play on disabilities and I'm glad you've tackled one because they can be tricky to accomplish! Admittedly I was creeped out at the way he was staring and all of that, but that's just me being a creep. I do think this guy has potential to be adorable.

I think at the beginning the characters were very 2D and predictable, but as chapters went by that changed and I think you should continue to work on improving them because they have potential to be memorable! Especially the deaf girl.

Awesome story idea! Keep at it hard!

D: so sorry it took so long to comment! My dad wanted me to fax something for him and it still hasn't gone through. But I didn't want you to think I cheated you out of a swap! Well I have to comment first so I guess it isn't cheating anyone out of anything XD

Anyways! I liked the chapters so far. I was a little confused with how the layout fit the story, but I'm starting to see it. There were not misspellings or grammercal issuses which is good. So far I think you got a good story going though.

The layout is cute =]. I love the summary, but personally I don't think it really pulls me in. I love it when a summary can get me interested without really giving away much. I really love your writing style but there were a few grammar problems that weren't very significant to be honest. With a good read over or an editor you can get those fixed up.

I feel really sorry for this girl, the fact that she's deaf but her family don't really cater to her needs very much. All in all it's a great story, keep it up =].

I like the layout, but it's a bit too dark for my taste. In the first chapter you make it seem as though it's the first time he's ever seen this girl, I feel like maybe instead of saying 'there was a girl in the distance,' you could say something to make it seem more familiar. 'there was that girl again...' etc, whatever. Also, the describing her outfits to me is just super cliche, there's really no need for it, but that's just me. Interesting story so far.

Alright, I only read one chapter so far, so I'll just comment on that.

Firstly, I adore the picture you used for the banner, and I like the purple floralish kind of pattern you used for the border, but I didn't really love the black background and the white writing. I've never really been a fan of that thype of thing though.

I also really liked that, if I didn't know that Tom Kaulitz was in Tokio Hotel, I wouldn't have known this was fanfiction. I didn't really need to know anything about the band or the guy to know what was going on, which I liked.

You've got an interesting plot going on here, though the misunderstood girl and player guy seems a bit cliche, you've kind of added a twist with the whole deaf thing. It definitely has potential, good job :)

It's an interesting story! I really like the main character. I was a little wary at first (the whole "nobody understands me" thing usually leads to cliche), but nearly immediately you made her more interesting, with her being deaf. That's really not something a lot of people write about, so it's cool to see! I also really like that you write well enough to make it really easy to get sucked into the story, and there were a few times that I was even glaring at the screen because I wanted Tom to talk to her, and he wouldn't, haha. I think a little punctuation would help clarify a few of the sentences, but overall you're pretty good with that, and that's about my only criticism. Though Sundance Kid. does give good advice. It's really easy to let characters fall into stereotypes.

So anyway, this is a really good story, and I can't wait to read more! Just subscribed. XD

i really like this idea C:

really sweet and i loved the first chapter. adored it completely. keep up the good work!

Well the story plot itself is really interesting, there are some minor problems. Such as, deaf people don't really talk, especially if they were born deaf, and if the hearing aid does help enough for her to hear her own voice, then we come back to the problem of why she's estranged from everyone. The emotions here are great though, and gives the chance to relate with the characters. The only advice I can give on the character develops is loosen the titles a little bit. Don't make McKenna strictly the victim, or her family strictly the bad guys while Tom plays strictly the hero. Flesh out the characters a little bit, make them a little more 3D. Sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh, but there's tons of potential here, and I can't wait to see you live up to it.

I really like this story. It's touching and sweet, and it makes my heart ache for McKenna. I feel sorry for her because of how much emotion you have already brought into the first two chapters.

I spotted quite a few errors, mainly just where sentence structure could have been improved, but I still understood what you meant.

I hope you will add a few twists and turns into this, as it looks as though it could become very predictable. If you keep it original I’m sure it will turn out to be a very enjoyable read!