Strip. - Comments

Although I'm a little late to the party, I'm here from Comment Swap.

It's been said by other people before me, but one of the things this story is missing is detail-- descriptions of surroundings and more in depth ones of emotions. Metaphors could really help you here, and I didn't see too many of them. That being said, you've actually got something pretty good here. Even though I'm not usually a fan of werewolf stories, this one kept me reading until the end. The story itself, although a little cliche, is gripping and interesting. Great job on everything, though. You have real potential. Hopefully you're still writing somewhere.

OMEGEE!!! I NEED YOU TO UPDATE ALREADY!! EXCITED!! HAha xD

OMEGEE!!! I NEED YOU TO UPDATE ALREADY!! EXCITED!! HAha xD

Alright, so comment swap is responsible for sending me here, but it's not responsible for making me subscribe.
I really like this story so far. I've read a few werewolf stories, but not too many. I like the story line that you have going and I don't think I've read anything really similar to it, so kudos to you!
I really like the character Finn (the shower scene was hot, in my own opinion) but I'm less fond of Hadley. I think it may in part be because of the writing. You're a good writer and it's well written, but like other people have said, I do think you could include more detail.
But I'm definitely subbing, so keep it coming!

I was sent here via comment swap.

Firstly, the layout is absolutely fab. I love how the banner matches the background. Not too set on anything below the banner though, but that isn't important.

I've seen a few things like this around before (I'm not personally a fan of the whole werewolf-explosion thing that's going on right now), but your plotline seems uniqu and inventive. I can personally say that I've never read a story about both a stripper and a werewolf, so props to you for being inventive.

You've got a nice writing style, but like a few people have mentioned before, it definitely needs more description. The fact that you have Hadley narrating means you have a chance to give everyone an insight into her mind at any given time Use that to your advantage, let us know what she's thinking when she's doing things. This will also help to balance up the dialogue-description ratio, which is a little bit dialogue-heavy at the moment. Aside from that, you've got a good little story here. Keep up the good work!

1, WHY DID YOU MAKE THE BROTHER DIE!?!?!?!?!
2, question time:
will it all be as sad as the second chapter?
I need to know before I invest my tears:P

[comment swap]

And I should really read the rules before I join, know what i'm saying? ok... 200 words? Well I've never really been one for long comments, so bare with me here. lol.

Your story is definitely unique, in a slightly cliché sort of way. And I think it shows real promise, and the characters seem interesting as of this moment. I have a feeling I may really enjoy reading this, despite the fact it is about my mortal enemy... (I really hate werewolves, but I'll read this because it seems good)
However, I also have to agree with countrygirl62696 on the fact that you need to add more detail. Tell us about the surroundings, her innermost thoughts. Does she secretly love her job as a stripper because it helps her take her mind off her brother’s passing, or does she really hate it as it seems? I’m not asking you to become Picasso or anything like that, but paint me a picture in my mind.
Also, I think the way you write is fantastic (despite minor flaws noted above) and I can’t wait to read more. It wouldn’t hurt to foreshadow a little bit too. A face in the window, a mysterious man watching her from the corner, anything to hint at the coming events and grip us, so we know we can’t just leave it without finding out what happens next.

I like this. It's so sad though :( great story

[Comment Swap]
I like this. I really do. I definitely see great promise for this story. It's got a great idea behind it, and I can see the beginning of your characters' personalities. However, I think you need some more details and descriptions. There seems to be little details and descriptions, to where it doesn't paint a clear picture. It seems to leave too much for the reader to wonder about, which is what I think, as a writer, you don't want (unless it's the ending). I really do see promise for this, and I will be subscribing, but I really think you need to add in more details. I know I personally can have some trouble with this, but when you add in details, it paints that image for the reader, which is what every reader wants in their mind. I also agree with others that this is a little cliché, but sometimes that happens, but it's all in how you write it. If you write wonderfully, then you can make even a cliché story sound magnificent.

This is a great story so far, if this was a book, it would be a real page-turner...I can't wait until the next chapter is posted...keep it up, because I really love this story!! I'm definitely subscribing <333

still insisting I comment for comment swap... lol. Aparently what I put wasn't good enough. lololol. I really like it so far, and cant wait till ya update.

Comment swapping, but I'm really glad it led me to this story. It's truly great so far! I really enjoyed reading it so far and I will definitely be subscribing!! Keep up the good work!!

This is really good, keep updating!

Comment swap brought me here. It's pretty good. XD

I wish the area were a bit wider. i don't enjoy reading lines that are broken up so shortly.

the way the first chapter ended, i normally wouldn't continue to the second chapter. i find it quite cliche to end with that intro and what we've already deduced from your storytelling. you already told us she's a stripper and her name, so why repeat?

i wish there ... more of a transition from the 'im a stripper' to 'i have a brother dying in a hospital and we all know werewolves exist'. i would maybe try to organize this a bit better.

it's like you have all the puzzle pieces, but the edges aren't lining up right.

comment swappin! :) I really like the layout, but it reminds me of Twilight, which causes it to lose the originality a bit. But, it is still really sweet. The story seems very cliche, typical girl falling in love with werewolf story, but in this day and age, it's hard to create something that hasn't been done in one way or another. You write pretty well, and I did enjoy the story so far. :) Keep it up!

Comment swapperino.
Well, the layout is pretty.
The story sounds a bit of a cliché, this sort of plot has been explored thousands of times in all ways possible... But your writing is good, which made it easier to read. Well, this isn't my thing at all, but it's an overall good job. Keep writing!

comment swap: first i love the banner (effy & freddie) lovely. and i also like this story so far its awfully sad but still kinda sweet. i look forward to see where you take this and how you introduce the two characters, him having bit the brother already (maybe i dont know) but looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Heym comment swapper here-

I've read through and its easy to read and follow, although the beginning(first chapter) is quite cliche and that would put me off the rest of the story. (sorry) However the writing itself is good and clearly its a popular story. Good luck with your writing :)

I cried on the second chapter, it was so sad. I love it so far.