Step Up 5: Turn the Music Up - Comments

Well i have noooooo problem reading this! It seems we both share a love for dance, music (both english and spanish) and romance! I cant wait for more. Im still hoping to see a bit or get a small flashback on the girls life and what made her parents make her move to the States, and i cant wait to see more of the boys reaction with her! I truley enjoyed these two chapters and i have a question on how you were able to post the vidoe in the chapter!!! Im glad i came across this story in mibba comment swap! One more comment for you and one more subscriber dear! =)

From comment swap.
The layout is an eye-sore and makes everything incredibly difficult to read. A plain layout (or with where the picture you’ve chosen is the banner and does not repeat itself) would be infinitely better. I wasn’t sure about the sentence ‘I was "forced"’. If you’re saying something in the tone you’re trying to, use only one mark, like an apostrophe, otherwise you’re putting speech marks where there is no speech. I also didn’t understand why you were trying to use that tone and why you marked it, was she forced or not? Just say it, then use another sentence to explain her feelings on it, because at the minute she just says “forced” in the middle of narration and it’s very odd given that "clothes" implies that she doesn’t think much of the attire she has been given, suggesting they were only disguised as clothes and could not really pass for clothes at all – this made me think that the clothes were very short skirts or something equally insubstantial. I am not sure if this was intentional.

I don't often read stories like this, and I don't really enjoy stories that have translations or what not. It seems, however, that you've enjoyed writing this (and writing it well) which is all that matters! :D

Layout & Summary
I am not a fan of the layout. I do like the picture that you have as the background but I would have turned it into the banner that goes where the title goes. The color of the title is a tad hard to read, maybe change it into a white color if you keep it where it currently is. Though the link color is easy to read the color is random. But the content is easy to read.
The summary makes the guy seem like a jerk. It's just the way you word 'He's not okay with this because it means less time dancing and more time playing the big brother'. Yes, you get that his passion is dancing but you gave nothing away that says he'd have to act like her brother. Also, instead of capitlizing 'MAJOR' make it bold instead. It also reads like you use the phrase 'Turn the Music Up' too much. Three times in a short period seems . . . nagging.

Chapter One
Aquí está lejos de mis amigos y mi vida," I silently cursed in

tongue as I slouched lower in the airplanes' seat as it flew over oceans and clouds with the sunrise just starting to peak.
tounge, slouching lower in the airplanes' seat as it flew over the oceans and clouds with the sunrise just starting to peak.

And all because, as they say, "La futura reina

At the moment, I was "forced" ----> quotation marks around it make it seem sarcastic, like they think they forced but they actually didn't.

carry-on. At the moment,

back in Puerto Rico, it was a <---if you want to keep this section I would change it to third person. It just seems unprofessional and lazy.

bebé," cried Mrs. DelRio

un día," replied Puerto Rico's king, Mr. DelRio, as he looked

I wouldn't have put the video into the story, just put the link to the video.
Instead of putting up the words in Spanish you could just say that they are speaking in spanish. It is hard for a reader the follow along, as with as much as is used in this chapter I couldn't really get into it. You also use the phrase 'at the moment' too much in this chapter.

Chapter Two
important," was the

gotta
gotten

Fridays when

lazy-boy, which is something he never does unless it's important, like when I got my final grades from my sophomore year and they weren't that great, with

"I, um, just received

daughter, my niece

university..." Now, yeah, that

was this "...and we agreed. We enrolled . . . . . . . it doesn't seem plausible for them to him what school he is going to. I would find another way to add it in. Like he says it or something.

wondering if," with this she looked back at Mr. Tomson as if for his permission to continue which he did with a small nod of his head, "you could ........

like, play the big brother to her? <---- it just seems off to me that she would use 'like' in this context.
though," Mark asked

playing--I think a pathetic Kesha song--was

"Dude, what are you even going to do though?" Mark said into my ear, seeing as the bass of the music that was playing (i think a pathetic Kesha song) was making any conversations damn near impossible, after I had told him everything about what happened when I got back home and why I had called him on my drive to the club Black Ice.
You need to find a way to break this down because it is just one big long sentence.

don't know, I just don't

know," I replied

Don't worry though; I did get it eventually. More like an hour before I was supposed to pick her up; hey I'm a college boy who will always need his sleep before anything (okay so maybe mom's cooking, sex, then sleep). <--- it's wierd that he is suddenly talking to the audience.

I liked it better the first chapter. I think if you clean it up some and change how the characters come off--because right now I don't feel sympathy for either of them and they are kind of annoying me at the moment--that this could be really could. Though, I must say, I have never watched any of the Step-Up movies, maybe one a long time ago.