Over Christmas Break - Comments

Comment swap has sent me to yet another hockey story and I know nothing of the subject. But hey, at least I won't be bias haha. This story has quite a good feel to it. I like that you provided detail, unlike alot of writers on here. Good job so far though doll :)

I don't really know any other hockey players other than on the Penguins and I don't even live in the state they play at either, but I do like the writing, grammar, and story line and I'm not gonna lie I'll probably not read past the first few chapters... :)

I don't know hockey players, honestly, but the beginning of this story is pretty good. I've read this one, and I'm moving on to the second one.

I can always appreciate a story with good grammar. Never really been into hockey, but the title was tempting, and I'm enjoying this story. It's easy to read, but not boring. Dialogue could be a little smoother, though. It becomes natural after a while, so don't try and force it, just maybe see what you like about how other people might write and think about how their dialogues go. Keep it up!

I agree with a lot of commenter’s so far. It’s a great story, good catch, and the plot
kine seems to be working well. It really has good potential. But there’s not much
sialogue and that is a very big important part of a story. I understand that sometimes
you can’t always use a lot, but you’ll get there. Don’t worry.

Other than that, this story is really great. I’m excited to see what‘s about to
unfold. I can’t wait till the next chapter!

So far you've got a good start, however you don't have a lot of detail in between your dialogue so it makes it kind of hard to stay focused. Your grammar seems to be okay as far as I can tell, you should work on character development, and look into how to make detail one of your most important priorities because just as I finished the first chapter it left me with no need to continue reading.

In the second chapter you have kind of the same thing, where you don't put what they're doing or how they say something, they could be messing around with the stereo or the heater or whatever while they talk yet while I read all I see is someone sitting with a stoic expression. You seem to know what you want your characters to do with their lives, which is good. I think this story could be edited a little, as far as detail goes. I think you've got a clear thought as to where you want it to go though so that is incredibly good because I even have a hard time with that. Your dialogue is perfect and it seems to flow but I think the only thing you need to work on is detail ;)

Yusssssssss I want a squeakwel!

Sequel, Sequel, Sequel, SEQUEL!!!

I want them to fix things.

Post the sequel soon!!!

loved it!
hope there's a sequel!

I can't wait for the sequel! :)

Sequel please :)

I enjoyed reading this story....I hope you post a sequel

sequel please. I want to see Jon run into her down in Florida and convince her to come back

B-b-but what's going to happen. Waaaah!!! I feel like crying. Stupid girls. Ugh! Sequel please. I need to know what you have in store for these two.

Oh I love Navy Pier. Just thought I'd put it out there.

Oh no!
I hope there's a Happy ending

sequel please!! :)

Mooooorrre lol please please please!

loved the update!
ohhh Jonathan is in it now!

glad you updated!!

great update!