Hush, Yael - Comments

I love this, it's so well written!

Okay. So I found this story through the comment swap thing and when I first saw what I'd be reading my face dropped. I'm not a huge fan of stories like this. But I wont lie and say that I didn't enjoy it. I loved the animal guardians, that was different. You have a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. You should find an editor but overall. It was good :)

I love the layout, the map is gorgeous. I think you should slow the narrative down a bit though. You kind of jumped straight in to talking about her dead parents with very little warning and then you went straight from this Seven...We should make it by sundown if we hurry." said Krys, rolling up her map and she and Yael headed off to Serval.

to this
Later, when it was nearing sundown, Krys was the first to spot the smoke stacks from Serval.
I think in the first chapter you should explain more about the Guardians and what they are. It was a little confusing to read. But I think this story is good, it has a lot of potential and it was really enjoyable to read. Well done!

Imagine, you are of a elite race, one of old. - I don't think the "one of old" bit makes sense...

She was a Old Power! - "an", not "a".

Just really make sure you double check everything before you post it, so commas aren't in inappropriate places or other silly little things like that.

I think the first chapter could have done with a bit more explaining of what the Guardian business is, the idea of shifting, why they were running away, etc., just to help it all make a bit more sense. I found myself being a bit confused, which isn't good for a reader. Not a bad start, though. :)

I love fantasy stories, especially ones with shape-shifters or those who have shifting powers. This is truly a great idea and I only saw a few mistakes. They were simple things like misplaced commas that arn't really a big deal. This idea itself is very good. I love fantasy stories and you don;t see them much here. Keep on writing, because this is awesome!

I love the concept of Krys having Yael around, and how he's a wolf and gahhh, I just love it. I'm very interest to see why the one man wanted Krys so bad, or her powers at least. I really do like this!

The only thing I would suggest is a different layotu for the story, some might find it hard to read. Other than that, this was perfect.

You definitely have a neat idea going. I've never read anything like this. As for your writing, you need to watch for run-on sentences. I saw quite a few long sentences that you could break up and make less confusing. I like that you added the flashback scene in, as well, that was neat.

i really like this. it feels quite fresh. i really love how it opens too, straight into the action, and the way that they communicate is described well, i really enjoy that. you get a lot from the speech/thoughts and that's really clever. good job. <3

I enjoyed this. I'm always a little wary of stories like this because they're hard to do well, but you have really good narration so it's actually good. I think there's definitely something to this. I really like your characters, and the dialogue. You are very good at making sure your characters come through in your writing. Great job!

I don't normally like anything outside of the contemporary romance realm, but I must admit, I find this story interesting. Clearly, it's in its early stages, being that there are only two chapters posted, and the plot and characters and such will be further developed as you go, but I do like the idea and what I've read so far.
I know the orphaned hero/heroine is pretty common of fantasy stories and I was going to groan and gripe about it, but it fits in well with your story. That is to say, it's not an awkwardly placed detail in her life. It makes sense, as does the event that led to her orphaned state.
The way Krys and Yael interact is kind of funny. Definitely a big brother/little sister sort of relationship. I also like Krys' character a lot. It was pretty much captured in the first couple sentences of your story where Yael complains about her opening her mouth and ruining their chances to sneak by. She's not perfect, she has faults, and I find that important in a story because it makes the character more realistic or relatable.
I feel like I don't know Emily quite as well. She's only been in one chapter, of course, but I don't feel as if I have a good enough sense of her character. Yet. I'm sure you'll revel more as the story goes on.
To tell the truth, the kiss completely blindsided me. I didn't see it coming at all. I didn't even realize there would be a lesbian element to the story. And now that I know, I am excited about it.
My only complaint about the kiss scene is that it felt rushed, the narration of it, not the actual occurrence. I would have liked to get a little sense of Krys' thoughts during the kiss (as I'm sure the after is coming in the next chapter) and even a little about what she physically feels (i.e. the feel of their lips together, any subconscious reactions like racing heartbeat or stomach flipping).
All in all, I like this, I'm interested, I'm subscribing.

...MORE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is great!