Mary Quinn - Comments

Hm... so I just stumbled across this and chose to read what you have. I really like the idea you have for this. I haven't really seen anyone that brave enough to write about something like this, genuinely. Maybe like, once. But you're taking a whole different spin on it with writing something you've personally been through, but with different characters.
And I think this will be very relateable for a lot of readers. Because it's a teenager dealing with all of this and I think a lot of us go through these types of emotions. Whether we are actually depressed or it just being a once in a while feeling. I think we've all felt the way she has at one point.
I can't wait to see where you go with this. It's bound to be a truly amazing story, really.
Definitely... subscribed! :D

Personally, the layout is....very difficult to get past when reading. The bright story section against a background made it hard to focus on the words. That may be something to look into.

As for the chapter itself, I think it was very well written but in some places, it does need some smoothing out. Like in the paragraph when you first introduced Chloe, I felt that the word "bitch" got very repetitive and therefore got boring. Also, in the one where you talked about William Lee, you mentioned that he was very uptight and then loosened up literally twice in that paragraph. I suggest taking one of them out. As for the rest of it, I like your descriptions of their personalities and it really gave me an idea of how different these kids are from the others. I didn't see any other mistakes :D

This is kind of refreshing, in an odd sort of way. It's like a "not your ordinary teenage story" type thing. I liked it, aha.

I liked your descriptions of Mary and her thoughts. I could definitely relate to how she was feeling and that made the story almost feel more real, which always helps. The chapters did seem a little choppy to me though, there were some places where commas could be added and little stylistic things like that. Nothing too major though.

I also think that some things could use a little bit more description, but that could just be me. I always find it easier to picture stories in my mind when everything is very detailed and descriptive.

But anyway, I think this story has tons of potential and it has a very interesting plot, so I'm interested to see where it goes!

This is a good layout. It's so good and really sad but I believe that's what you were aiming for. And the summary says plenty. And it sets the right mood.

This is a strong start in your story but it's good. <3 I love the description you used to describe Mary Quinn and how she was feeling. I honestly don't know what to say except that I'm astounded at how amazing this story is. Though the mood seemed a bit happy in this first chapter but that's probably how you wanted it to be at first.

And I must apologize for not getting to this story sooner. :)

First of all, if you want me to get really nit-picky, I like the first half of your summary, but not the second half. Your first line is good. It seems to encapsulate what you're going for. The song lyrics are unobjectionable, although they don't mean much to me personally, having never heard the song. The part of the summary that comes after the lyrics, however, is either unnecessary or a misses its mark, I think. Because the first line is a good encapsulation, you don't really need to sum things up again, unless you can do it well, or express some new idea. What you currently have is this:

Most teenagers feel depressed sometimes. The difference is that Mary Quinn actually was.

I can sort of tell what you're trying to do here, but I think the distinction you want to point out is between feeling sad sometimes, and feeling depressed (and thus being depressed) all of the time. The way you've got it at the moment just looks like you're talking about the difference between suspecting you're depressed and being diagnosed, which is much less emotionally profound. I would either fix it up or get rid of it, and rely on the first half of the summary, since this second bit is kind of stating the obvious anyway.

As for your actual story, I think it's pretty good, and I particularly like the detail you go into in describing the setting and outlining the character's thoughts. Both of those things are important. The main suggestion I would make is a stylistic one. Namely, you have some long sentences that should be broken up with commas. For example:

Mary Quinn sat on her bed in the dim light cast from her laptop beside her staring in the full length mirror hanging on the wall across the room.

How about:

'Mary Quinn sat on her bed in the dim light cast from her laptop beside her, staring in the full length mirror hanging on the wall across the room.'

I think adding a comma there would improve it, although there are still unnecessary parts to that sentence that make it overly long and wordy.

It would be even better as:

'Mary Quinn sat on her bed. Beside her, her laptop cast dim light as she stared in the full length mirror that hung on the wall across the room.'

Do you see what I'm getting at here? Less verbose, fewer mouthfuls, same meaning. Pretend you've got to read it all aloud.

The other suggestion I would make is that your second paragraph, while it contains some good observations (eg. Conformity was beauty, especially for a teenager.), is a bit overlong for what it is. This paragraph isn't really a description of one point. It describes many small, similar points, and as such, it's kind of a wall when you format it like that. I would start a new paragraph with So what if it was "cookie cutter?", since this is asking a new question, and therefore beginning a new thought.

Overall though, I think this is a very vivid piece of writing, with a realistic main character. Well done!