Winter Chills - Comments

Instead of “My breath showed in the frosty air.” Could you maybe use something more descriptive to paint a picture? “Tendrils of steam curled from my mouth.” “My breaths looked like rising smoke in the frosty air.” Just a thought. :)

“freezing cold” Delete “cold” because it’s redundant.

“A freezing cold hand wrapped around my uncovered one…” How about, “A freezing hand wrapped around mine?” (I don’t know why you felt the need to say the narrator’s hand is uncovered. It feels unnecessary to me.) (After reading more, I realize that they are sharing a set of gloves. Inform your readers here so it isn’t confusing.)

” A freezing hand wrapped around mine, and I tugged my scarf over my nose, hiding my grin as I glanced at my boyfriend.” (You need a comma before “and.”) (Consider combining these sentences.)

“He was so beautiful, and if I could spend every second with him, I would.” (You need a comma before “and” and I think after “him.”) (Any time “and” separates two independent clauses, you need a comma. If what follows and is not an independent clause, you do not need a comma. Example: “He was so beautiful and didn’t know it” wouldn’t need a comma, but “He was so beautiful, and he didn’t know it” would need a comma.

“Dammit, Damon!” (You need a comma.) “I’m trying to provide for us” Is a full sentence so you need a period after “alone” instead of a comma.

“The time we had been spending together was limited, and I also wanted more time together. It was just the way he was constantly riding me about got on my nerves.” (comma after “limited”)

Be careful of repetition. The narrator mentions wanting to spend more time with Damon twice within a couple of paragraphs.

“Mom, can I spend the night with you and Dad?” I asked sadly. Instead of “asking sadly” try to show the narrators feelings instead. “Mom, can I spend the night with you and Dad?” I asked, struggling to keep my voice from breaking. “Mom, can I spend the night with you and Dad?” I asked with a quaver in my voice. “Mom, can I spend the night with you and Dad?” I asked in a small voice, my brows curling in.

“Of course, sweetheart,” (comma after “course” and “sweetheart” is one word.)

“Ever since work had become so hectic, I didn’t have enough time to spend with both them and Damon.” (Comma after hectic)

I’m just now finding out the narrator is a guy, although I had a suspicion. Perhaps make it obvious sooner? Up until this point I wasn’t sure if the narrator was a guy or girl.

“Her head stirred slightly, and she let out a sleepy noise.” (comma after “slightly”)

“When I finally woke up, it was bright out.” (comma after “up”)

Nice story. It flowed well.

:)

I enjoyed reading this. Of course Carwyn having to deal with the death of his sister is very sad, but his relationship with Damon is sweet and realistic. I also really like the picture and background, I thought it fit the loving but melancholy mood of the story very well.

I really like this story! Damon and Carwyn's relationship seemed very real and all the problems they faced seem like real life problems. I like that everything wasn't fine and dandy for them all the time.
I love this line! "Rather than us warming each other we only made the winter colder"

I just want to point out a few grammar things I noticed. I didn't find very many.
"riding me about got on my nerves." - 'riding me about IT got on my nerves.'
"When I arrived only my parents were there." - 'When I arrived, only my parents were there.'

First of all, thank you so much for getting your entry in on time.

I really enjoyed reading this story, it pulled at my heartstrings which is something I look for when reading. The character portrayal was fitting for the type of story, and I liked that they had a fight, and everything wasn't picture perfect all the time. It gave the realistic I was hoping for.

As for the challenge, I like the way you used your picture, it went with the situation perfectly, and the song you chose was spot on.

Great job, and once again thanks for entering!