I was reading through this trying to figure out why the hell it wasn't hooking me. I realized exactly what it was in the beginning of the second chapter: you're using passive voice.
It's so difficult to pull readers in if it is in passive voice. Also, all of your sentence structures are nearly exactly the same. I really like the idea, and I love silver eyes. I have a character with silver eyes, and I enjoy them a great deal.
I'm not a huge vampire fan, but I like where you're going. I really wish that you could change it to active voice. Let me know if you don't understand what I mean, and obviously, it is only my opinion.
(:
January 15th, 2012 at 01:55am
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It's so difficult to pull readers in if it is in passive voice. Also, all of your sentence structures are nearly exactly the same. I really like the idea, and I love silver eyes. I have a character with silver eyes, and I enjoy them a great deal.
I'm not a huge vampire fan, but I like where you're going. I really wish that you could change it to active voice. Let me know if you don't understand what I mean, and obviously, it is only my opinion.
(: