This is fabulous, I love it! I gotta say, super involved first person narration can be difficult to pull off, but you've done an excellent job. The dialogue was spot on, and the whole thing was very funny. My only critique is a minor gripe with this clause: mainly "because you do actually have to have an attention span higher than that of a gnat." Its a bit lengthy, and messes wit the flow a bit. I'd revise to :Mainly because it requires one to have an attention span greater than that of a knat." or something like that. Not that your taking suggestions though, haha :)
oh my gosh this had me laughing from the very beginning..and then I read to my friend and he started laughing too. This is very well written and you are very funny. I can see where you would love to write this story. Amazing job!
My only critique is a minor gripe with this clause: mainly "because you do actually have to have an attention span higher than that of a gnat." Its a bit lengthy, and messes wit the flow a bit. I'd revise to :Mainly because it requires one to have an attention span greater than that of a knat." or something like that. Not that your taking suggestions though, haha :)