I Give You My Soul - Comments

This was a very interesting plot! I don't read much about demons and possesion, so it was interesting to read about something different.

I have a few pieces of constructive criticism, if that's alright.

The only grammar problem I found was your use of commas: you don't use them often, which isn't really okay when you have long sentences; they come off as a run-on, and it's a little confusing sometimes. Like this:

"I’m just not ok,” he said."

At first, I wasn't sure what Marcus meant by that. I thought he meant "I'm not okay" like he isn't alright; something's wrong. it should've been:

"I'm just not, okay." He said."

One more I found that I wanted to use as an example was:

He didn’t turn to look at me and he didn’t say anything or acknowledge that I was there.

This one should have a comma or two, or have a couple of words changed. It could have been more like:

He didn't turn to look at me, and he didn't say anything; or even acknowledge that I was there.

Other than the comma thing, I was pretty impressed with your grammar and punctuation! I agree with the other commenters in saying that I wish it was more than a one-shot! I think if you divided it up into three or four chapters, and put a little more detail into each one, it could be an awesome short story.

Content-wise, I wished you were more descriptive in the dialogue. As in, putting "he said" and "she said" after everything someone spoke; I would've liked to read what expressions they had while they said it. It kind-of adds a little something extra, and helps the reader really visualize the person while they're talking (especially if its a hottie like Matt, who everyone loves to visualize) :) Maybe instead of saying "he said", you could add: "he said, averting his eyes so he didn't have to look at me", or "I said, trying to keep my voice calm, even though my anger was slowly rising".

I'm so glad you gave me the link as soon as you did! I love having sufficient time to read stuff before I give feedback! And I hope you don't think I'm being terrible with this comment; I'm really not! I take extra English and Writing classes in college because I love it so much, so I kind-of get caught up in the grammar thing when I read stories. I hope my criticism helped, though!

Thank you so much for entering my contest, and I will be sure to let you know when the winners are posted. Great job!

I looove it! Your first one-shot was absolutely wonderful. Like the other two said I wish it was more than just a one shot. I hope you win the contest.

WOW!!!!!!
That was AMAZING
I seriously LOVED IT
Kinda wish it was a more than just a one-shot
Great job

:}

Woo!!
Well you know I LOVED it.
The Banner is awesome and I wish this
story was more than a one shot cause it's
just that good!! =)