I still haven't finished reading your entire story, but I think you should know that it's actually pretty dang good. =] One thing I have been noticing is that people of lately have atrocious grammar ( ex: "he seen me at the park thru the window"), and I am counting all of the lucky stars in the sky and thanking them individually because you have good grammar. It's so refreshing and nice to find that. I like your writing style and the way that you format your story, not only in style but in pace. There are times when you need to pace your story and let it flow fairly slowly and other times where your flow needs to be a waterfall. You seem to grasp that. Thank you for posting this!