Irredeemable - Comments

Great story!

Although I am not particularly aware of this fandom, I do feel that the story here has some good potential. The plot so far has been interesting, but to really improve, I would suggest that you elaborate more on descriptions and the emotions of the characters. Spelling is decent, which is nice, but try to make absolutely sure you've read through and spellchecked everything. I think that with a little more care taken, this can blossom into a rather fantastic story!

I'm probably the most perfect person who could've claimed this. Why? Because I don't know anything about Starwars. I hate fanfiction with no back information for someone completely alien to the fandom so they can understand it. I suggest maybe adding in many details about what Starwars is and just everything, technically. Then again, if you have already, props to. I'm only on the summary. >.<

Also, from a totally uneducated person, shouldn't jedi have a capitalized J...? And I also noticed that the last sentence; This is what happened, this was the story of his descent into darkness. should be, This is what happened. This is the story of his decent into darkness.

By the second paragraph of chapter one, I feel as if you're emotionally unconnected to the story. Step into the shoes of the main character. You are watching your friend choke someone. How do you feel about that? Express it. And also, by now, I think you have a problem with punctuation.

Examples:
I struggled to keep the serious look on my face, what he was doing was horrifying.
That comma should be a period. It's a run on sentence.

After commanding him to let her go he dropped her.
After go there should be a comma.

With simple errors as such, I would recommend getting a beta that specializes in punctuation. :) You seem to have a big issue with leaving out commas and periods and using run on sentences.

Anakin's blue lightsaber ignited and swung to meet mine. Fate in two movements, had been sealed.

Unf, I don't care anymore. Those two lines are breathtaking. <3

Anyways, in conclusion, work on your punctation and get more into character. It's lacking emotion by far. Also, in the summary, you put Slywalker which made me think it was a parody. If you don't already, try proofreading.

Happy writing! ^_^

First, I noticed that it's Star Wars. I adore Star Wars so I'm really excited to see this :D I loved how you described the sound that the lightsaber makes because it does sound like a hum. It doesn't quite cut the air like a normal blade. It's like "ZHH" or something, so good description!

"Fate in two movements, had been sealed." - That is a wicked line. It's absolutely amazing and absolutely fabulous! It's really great that you used sentence structure to show the abruptness of what happened. It wasn't gradual, it was really quick which is absolutely brilliant!