Fate - Comments

I agree with the person below about the layout and the italic, it's very hard to read and does give you a little bit of a sore head, personal layouts are a great thing and they really help every story. sometimes it's even good to just use a pre-made one instead of the default one

Okay, so I'm never really good at commenting on sex scene things because I find it so awkward but let's just say you did a really good job at it and I liked how the ending was so out of nowhere and I really wasn't expecting that to happen, while it was really sad it was still a very good ending to the story

@ violet veins
Haha thank you for the constructive criticism. I agree with the layout and title. I will have to think of something to maybe make that better. As for the summary, it is a bit small. I either way over do them or say not enough in all of them. I am a descriptive writer so I am use to writing in chunks not little sentences. Thank you for the realistic opinion. The sex scene could have been better and I know what you mean exactly. If I am honest I could have done better. I was trying to fit that whole story into one little deadline and I was only a few words over so it wasn't accepted.

I like to start comments off with an opinion about the layout, summary, and title. You lack a layout, but I do suppose the italics in the first chapter can kind of count. I, to be honest, don't like it. It's annoying and hurts my eyes to try and read. As for the title, it's all right, but I think you might want to strive to find something that better represents your story and leaves the reader with a newfound sense of what the title really means when they finish reading. Your summary also feels maybe a bit bare. While it is very intriguing and is a great hook, I feel like you could beef it up some more.

Now for the fun part, the actual writing. You have a great way of describing things that really hits home, and your narrative is great to read. I love how you talk about the character's home life, but you don't just throw it all on the reader like most stories. It's a nice, subtle touch that makes a world of a difference.

I have to say, I'm not very comfortable commenting on sex scenes because I'm just not good at it haha. But I will say I found nothing wrong with yours, and I have nothing else to say on the topic of that, except that you might want to try adding in more flaws during it. Sex isn't perfect, and it's painful and possibly the most nasty thing on the planet. It would be much more realistic if you added some awkward touches in there.

I love the ending. It was totally and entirely unexpected and I just loved it. It was a great thing to add. Overall, you did a fantastic job and I don't really have any form of criticism at all. It was wonderful.

Aw :O I have tears in my eyes. Its so sad but lovely

I. Cried.
For some reason, love stories that involve war is very sad to me...
I absolutely loved it though! :D