After Hours in the Hub - Comments

Your layout is perfect. The banner is enough to grab your attention, but it doesn't distract you while you're reading it. The background is also very nice, and it adds a nice, classy touch to the story. Having the title, chapter title, and actual story in all white font, however, seems a bit... Odd, to me. But this is more than likely just something I'm OCD about. It still seems a bit bland.

I feel like your sentences in paragraph one don't really flow well. They're all roughly the same length, and a bit of variation would be good, I think. One thing I don't like is when you describe "that perfect ass." It seems a bit overused and cliche.

Once again, in the second paragraph, I don't feel the sentence length is varied greatly, but it isn't enough to stop me from reading.

I'll admit it: this is the first NC-17/PWP I've ever reviewed. So my comment may not offer much help, but mainly so far, vary sentence length. It's getting quite old for me to read one long sentence after another. I feel like, also, that the emotion in this story is gone. Besides the typical lust and passion emotions, it feels empty. There isn't a lot of real, raw emotion in here so far. The motions are right, but the emotions aren't. Your word choice also seems very overused, as far as I've read, but it works nicely.

You've got a few longer chapters, which is pretty distracting from the actual story... It took me a bit of time to read through the entire things, and I had to highlight about the half the paragraph to hold my place (though I don't exactly have 20/20 vision...)

All in all, it's good, compared to some of the fare on here. The motions are great, they're fitting; but I would work on editing the emotions and sentence length to bring them up to par.

This was actually the first time I read PWP Slash, and it's not as bad as I first thought it was. It's really not that different from Het, I don't know why I was so averse to it before. I guess it was a slight case of homophobia on my part, but this short story banished it. So, because of that, good job!