March 5th, 2012 at 12:03am
Hee hee Kara Night. That's my first name :3
DID YOU PUT THAT IN THERE ON PURPOSE????
But yeah, this reminds me of "The Outsiders," and therefore I am going to read this story. YAYYYY.
We Are Young. - Comments
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February 25th, 2012 at 05:54pm
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Oh Ume this is reallt good. I think you have a good start, and is the song fun. We are young? if it is I totes love you and this story even more! Subbing.February 25th, 2012 at 04:17am
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I don't mean racist from you, I meant from the reporter.February 25th, 2012 at 01:20am
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I thought the new reporter describes the kids are "dark-skinned" was a little racist and unprofessional. She should have used the technical term.February 25th, 2012 at 01:19am
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Ugh. Must you write such amazing material. :(
Subbed, and eagerly awaiting the next chapter :)February 24th, 2012 at 05:42am -
Hey YOU! Yeah, I'm talking to you. hehe well, lol.... HI. I usually don't read non-romance stories, but gosh, I got hooked into this one. I already subscribed ( : Keep this up!February 20th, 2012 at 05:42am
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I think you have made a very good start. I could revise it if you want, since you mentioned it in the journal :)February 17th, 2012 at 03:54am
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This sounds really good, it kind of reminds of of like, Grease and West Side Story.
I'm subbing!February 8th, 2012 at 03:41am
I love your layout. Clean cut, crisp, bright. It's perfect. The background really flows well, the way it turns into black. As for the title, I feel it's a bit.... Eh. It doesn't really intrigue you, and it's a bit cliche feeling, I think. The summary tells you just enough information to hook you in, but I feel like it's also a bit cliche. It works; don't get me wrong there, but I feel it could be improved.
Chapter 1
Great way to start the story. It really captures your attention and draws you in. At first, though, I actually thought that the school was just popular - not literally on fire. I also feel like "dark-skinned" is a bit odd. Not racist or anything, but African-American would probably suit this paragraph better. It just doesn't seem to help the flow. But, the way you put the remained of the dialogue is really very fitting. It sounds exactly like a real news cast.
The second paragraph seems a bit eccentric. I think maybe starting the second sentence off might help, because it is a little nonrhythmic. I love how the principal is crying like that and is so disappointed. It really shows how devoted he is to his school. This is also a great way to make the two schools combine, and props for your creativity.
Like I mentioned previously, you can really tell just how attatched this principal is to his students. Especially when you refer to them as his kids. It's nice how they show the same amount of affection as well. I really admire that, because it shows you a lot of characterization.
I do feel like, when the principal is addressing his students, he says "guys" a little too much. Most principals might use it a few times, but I think you had it in there three. It's a bit distracting, but nothing to worry about too much.
Also, "father like principal" should probably be changed to father-like principal or something similar. It disrupts the flow and also looks a bit weird.
I am really admiring the principal and his students. You're show great emotions and characterization in here, and it fits beautifully. The rest of this chapter, I have no complaints about. The ending is perfect, and it really makes you interested to read more. Great job. You've got a fantastic start here. I look forward to reading more.