April 28th, 2014 at 07:45pm
Here from Le comment swap.
Well when I saw the layout I dreaded reading this. I don't like pink, and since everything was pink I presumed that this was going to be a very childish story. When I started to read, however, my opinions changed. This is actually very good! I like one shots like this, they're straight to the point yet have a lot of description thrown in there. I like how you described things in the bathroom as pearly white, that makes me think that you actually spent time planning how this story would unfold. I think you did well with this one, bravo.
I recommend though, that you add more descriptive words and phrases to the story. Show us the feelings that Ivy is having, that her boyfriend Max is going to have. Don't tell us that she's scared and hated seeing that pregnancy test show up positive. I hope you have a lot of research done on the matter-- pregnancy, the options Ivy and Max have, the roads this could take. As a mom myself, I'm really looking forward to your take on all of this and it was well written for the first chapter. Of course, all writing can get better.
And as well, make sure you're checking simple grammar and spelling mistakes, have a beta read things over. Again, it's a nice story and I do look forward to more from you.