Porcelain - Comments

This seem's different. Its a very good read. I enjoy it, Its amazingly written as well. :P

Great filler!

This story is the best story on Mibba I've seen in a while.
It's so great. I definitely love the layout. It's cool, but makes me depressed.
And the story.. The story is just fantastic.
Definitely subscribing.

As a few others have said, this is for the comment swap. :3

But wow, I love this story. It's really beautiful. I love that you've chosen a topic that I really haven't seen written about much. It makes me extremely interested to hear the rest of the story. That being said, I really hope you keep updating this; I'm subscribing.

I think your word choice in this is very sweet and simple, as well as easy to follow. I think the simplicity of it gives it a beauty of it's own. One line I really like was "Once her morning routine of self-hatred ended." I'm not really quite sure why I liked this. I think it's because when one thinks of a morning routine, they usually think getting dressed, showering, coffee, etc. But when you threw "self-hatred" in there, it gave it a whole different feel all while adding depth to your character. It truly made me sad to think that someone, who sounds so beautiful, hates themselves so much.

I'm really glad the second chapter was about dying her hair. Because the second I opened this story and read that it was about an albino girl, I wondered why the picture had a brunette girl. So good job there. That's pretty crafty. Also crafty, is how you named her Olive. The word 'olive,' when relating to people, makes me think of an olive skin tone. And since she's albino, she definitely does not have one of those. That all just goes to show that you're good at being creative.

As for things I would fix. Well, nothing really. I absolutely loved it. The only problem I noticed is that the sentence "she nodded, never really in the mood to talk" wasn't capitalized. But that's a super-duper easy fix.

Overall, like I said previously, I absolutely love this story. I really hope you keep up the good work! I'll be anticipating future chapters!

This is for comment swap;

The layout is very simple and I adore it. The picture seems to blend in with the title. I really like that part of it.

The way this girl is being described, and how her eye color is just not human. How she doesn't feel pretty while looking in the mirror, is how I feel on a daily basis. I feel like I could some how relate to the character and I absolutely love that while reading a story. Well done.

This story so far is absolutely beautiful.

The way this girl is described is just stunning. She sounds so beautiful (what a shame about her dying her hair!) and she seems so full of hate. It's upsetting and God, I wish I could just help her out in a weird way.

This is just brilliant!

Layout/Summary
Simple things first. The layout is great, and it's simple. The banner adds to the feel, and with the dark background it works very well together. The picture is enough to add a royal, almost elegant feel to the layout. I do feel like if the summary were centered, though, it might look a tad bit better. As for the summary, it's enough to intrigue you, make you wonder what's going to happen and what exactly this story is entirely about, so it adds to the story very well. I also love, love love the way you have the chapters named. The theme seems very fitting, and it adds to the feel of the layout even more.

Chapter 1
I don't really think this is a great way to start off the story. Maybe somewhere in there with a bit more of a hook, a bit more mystery to it. The summary does hook you in, but then the first paragraph seems to take away from that. I do love the word choice and vocabulary in here, though. Especially the girl's thoughts to herself. It really adds to the characterization and lets you glimpse into the girl's mind.

In the third paragraph, in this sentence: "She continued to stare in the mirror, her eyes darting to different features, she was almost cringing at the sight of herself." the "she was" right after "features," isn't really needed. It makes the words a bit jumpy and choppy, and taking that part out all together would fit better, I believe.

I like the fourth paragraph quite a bit. It makes you wonder why her eyes are like that, why she's hate them so much, whose fault it is that she's like that. If, perhaps, some of these elements were fit into the first paragraph, it would draw you in more.

I also like how, in the fifth paragraph, you say that everyone wants the perfect blue eyes, but hers are too overbearing. Because that's true; everyone always wants bright, stunning blue eyes, but in reality it can be too much to take.

The ending is nicely executed. It's a great technique to use; why would someone from a seemingly normal family be such an oddity? It really makes you ponder what happened to her or how it came about. It makes me, personally, wonder how this girl's family reacted when they found out she was a misfit. It was also a great way to close down the chapter.

Chapter 2
This is a great way to start the chapter. It really interests me in how the girl became so submissive to even gentle people, let alone her own mother.

And we finally find out her name! It's very fitting. It isn't odd enough to make you stop and wonder why on earth someone would name their child that, but it's just enough to add that edge to the story. It suits her.

At first, I thought maybe they were going to get something... Outlawed, perhaps. It just seems like they're talking about it in such a hushed way that they're really afraid of what they're about to buy. But then she brings out the hair dye, and it all makes sense in a way. I love the way you've set the mood of these few paragraphs, and it's particularly interesting that she feels everyone staring. It makes you wonder if everyone really is staring at her, or if she just thinks that.

I do love the ending, how her mom is typical and says that. But you can really tell her mother means well, and that she's sincere when she speaks.

Overall, A+. You've got a great vocabulary and it's clear that your word choice and structure of sentences really is your forte. You've got a knack for writing, and I'm thrilled to have read this story. I'm eager to read more. Keep up the good work.

So first off, I love that this is about an albino girl, because it's something you hardly ever hear about. I think it'll be interesting to see what her life is like and her perspective. I watched True Life: I'm Albino once and it was pretty cool, so I'm excited to see how this goes.

So the first thing I noticed was how the title of the chapter is ironic, because she doesn't like her eyes. It's very clever, and it's little details like that that make me like the story even more because obviously you've put a lot of thought into this. Also, I like how you got the bad eyesight part right, because a story like this needs a lot of research on the disease itself in order to be pulled off. There's nothing I hate more than when a story about a disease doesn't even get the disease right, you know? And the other thing I found really interesting was how she's jealous of her mom. It brings some more depth to the character and shows how bad her self-esteem is.

Ahh I was so not expecting the mom to be sweet haha, but I think it's a good turn of events. The difference between what's really happening and how Olive interprets it is interesting. This seemed more like a filler chapter than anything, but it was important to show the relationship between Olive and her mother and to establish that Olive's getting a fresh start at a new school. I only saw two little mistakes in it. "she nodded, never really in the mood to talk." She should be capitalized, and then in the last sentence I think it should be "couldn't" instead of "could."

I think this is really interesting and I'm excited to read the rest of it. I'm definitely subscribing :)

I do believe u should continue. Its pretty awesome so far even if da chapters r short.

I really like this story so far and love the choice of topic (: can't wait to see what happens next (:

Y'know, I really like this story. It's very unique and I'm interested to see where it's going to lead.
I bet lots of people on here could relate to it aswell, as many young girls seem to be lacking self confidence.

I'm liking how you're using tons of description which gives me an image in my head of what the girl looks like. Or of what she thinks she looks like ^_^

Hmm. I just can't figure out what's going to happen next :3 Maybe you could make the summary a little more detailed.

Also, it just has to be said, I like the picture you've used for your layout (:

- TDDUP (for the comment swap)

I really liked your story. It is about something that a lot of people write about, but not a lot of people succeed writing about. And it sounds like you will succeed. When I was reading it I could see someone my age (around 15) saying the same exact things. My best friend says it even. The picture was really pretty. When you see it it makes you wonder what is going to happen. This story seems dark but at the same time seems very easy to relate to.
But overall a really good start!

Hello, this is for the comment swap.

Allow me to begin by saying the layout is clean and simple. I love the picture because I think lace gives an elegant touch and your title is quite interesting especially in contrast to the layout. It has me wondering, "What could this story be about?"

The summary, well more like one sentence, haha. Gives very little, but it is a quote, so I actually do wonder how it fits into the story and who said it. But I would suggest putting maybe just a tiny bit more to really hook the reader, maybe another sentence as a reply or maybe the character's thought on it. Otherwise I think it's very nice.

I like the title of the chapter, reminds me of like Little Red Riding Hood talking to her grandmother.

The first paragraph is very smooth and nicely descriptive. It didn't seem overbearing at all, which was great. It gave me personally, just enough to picture it, but not to much like you were pouring the picture into my head. It gave me a little more freedom to think. And that's like my favorite type of writer, someone who can describe, but give the reader room to think themselves.

The character seems very realistic to a young girl, thinking she isn't beautiful enough. A very good topic to write about, seeing as there are so many girls who hide behind make-up and don't let their true beauty shine. I'm liking this so far.

"Glasses nor contacts would help with her everlasting blurry vision, it was all permanent." - fantastic line right there, loved it!

The ending line was very nice way to end it. I will honestly say that i am looking forward as to how this story continues. You have the start of an awesome story, so I encourage you to keep going with it. Great work, really great!

-Nova