So much story in such a small space! I love your writing, it just flows so beautifully. You build up such a story for your character in such a short space of time but without it feeling like it's being shoved in your face. Very very good. I have one point of constructive criticism, although it's pretty much redundant because I can't think of another way to word it and it was for a contest so I don't know if you're wanting to edit anyway....one sentence, "Spinning round so fast that some of the apples clattered to the floor, her eyes pierced the darkness for any signs of life" For some reason it doesn't seem to read right. Maybe "She spun round, her eyes piercing the darkness for any signs of life. Some of her apples clattered to the floor noisily but then, for a moment, the night was still. She could hear nothing, see nothing. Then suddenly the sound of footsteps." Sorry, I'm not saying change it, I was just thinking of another way to write it. Maybe other people read it fine and I'm just a freak, but just my opinion :) x
March 30th, 2012 at 01:27am
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I have one point of constructive criticism, although it's pretty much redundant because I can't think of another way to word it and it was for a contest so I don't know if you're wanting to edit anyway....one sentence, "Spinning round so fast that some of the apples clattered to the floor, her eyes pierced the darkness for any signs of life"
For some reason it doesn't seem to read right. Maybe "She spun round, her eyes piercing the darkness for any signs of life. Some of her apples clattered to the floor noisily but then, for a moment, the night was still. She could hear nothing, see nothing.
Then suddenly the sound of footsteps."
Sorry, I'm not saying change it, I was just thinking of another way to write it. Maybe other people read it fine and I'm just a freak, but just my opinion :)
x