Holy shit. I don't think I've ever read a story like this. It's amazing so far, and you only have one chapter. :)
March 16th, 2012 at 05:47am
Okay first thing first fix your back ground colors. I'm sorry but dear god that's unreadable. I almost didn't review this because of it. I would suggest a white or lighter color font. It looks clean, it's a sharp contrast, and it's simple. That would help your story so that the readers don't hit the back button or go to default layout. Next part.
I also really do not like your summary but this really irritates me "for fucks sake, just fuck it". As I'm reading that I already am turned off by your lack of vocabulary. Now if this was a quote from Virgil now okay I could go with that. But obviously it was from you and the only thing running across my mind was that you got mad while writing and just randomly threw that in there. You don't have to cuss. It's alright to use dang or Great Scott!
Also with your summary please To separate the two try Virgil was a country boy.... And then in a second paragraph rant on how it's a character study.
Okay now time for your first chapter.
Alright now you use way too many adjectives. I understand the need for description, but you do not need fifty adjectives to describe things. It gets confusing for your reader and hard to remember what things are. Not to mention a lot of it is unneeded. A writing teacher told me when you go back through your work get rid of all of the extra adjectives.
As I read on I am noticing that this is vulgar and incredibly dark. You know what I think about vulgarity but not what I think about dark stories. It works. I live dark stories because they often are the kind that will stick to you because like in comic books dark stories get the best writers and the most memorable story lines. though the tale takes a much appreciated light hearted tone towards the end which blends well with the story.
Okay characters and then my final things. The grandma. I don't know what to say about here other than she is crazy. Dear lord. Not much else comes to mind. Next person Virgil. He seems very adaptable for his age. It seems like he just fits in anywhere and everywhere. Like he could look natural in jeans and a tank top with a beer in his hands and then look just as fine with a glass of fine wine and a suit on. He seems like a really good character.
Okay what I am about to tell you is the worst thing I can tell anyone. It has potential. For you could be there but you aren't anywhere near the end yet. Fix those things I talked about and you will have a good story on your hands. Best of luck.
