The Hospital - Comments

Hey, this story is pretty cool. I like the way it was written and the story line, as I am a fan of horror stories.
The layout background is really nice, I have to say.
It's really nicely done, and I think I will read more of your stories.

Hey guys! I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be reviewing this story for the Mibba Magazine towards the end of the month!! I'll be sure to give you guys the link when it gets posted(:

The layout makes it hard to read because of the pattern.

The paragraphs could have a space between them to make it easier to read as well.

This is amazing. You did well with detail, and it gave me chills thinking of ever having to stay in a place like that. This whole story gave me the creeps just reading it all! I thought it was awful that they were pulling her teeth out, but burning her alive?! That's just, wow. You're an amazing writer, the plot, the mysterious first chapter. Just amazing.

Just a few notes -

I think this one sentence could be broken up a little bit – “We continued down the same for a few more minutes, but then dad steered the car left off of a side road, and mom let the tears she had held back begin to roll down her cheeks and dad continued to grip the wheel, and I feared he might break it if he didn't stop soon.” – as it’s a bit long and rambling for no apparent reason

I loved the part where her mother flinched away from her. Thought it was very affective and made me wonder even more where there were going and how the main character was central to this. It also hinted towards the relationship between the two. Again when her father gave her a smile that wasn’t genuine.

The description of the room she was to stay in was also very unnerving. As a reader, I felt quite unsettled by how unwelcoming it sounded so this was really effective.

LOVE this line – “Somewhere a little way away from us, a strangled scream cut its way through the air, causing the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck to stand straight up” – found it really effective.

The whole teeth pulling out incident was repulsive and disgusting and I’m sure that’s what you wanted to create so good job!

Overall, absolutely wow! You have such a good imagination and the plot was brilliant. Only thing that could improve really is your writing in some places – but then we can all improve!

Oh. Wow.

...This was...I'm not quite sure how to explain it. You did a wonderful job; the only thing that bothered me was the spacing between the paragraphs. They were all scrunched up together and made it hard for me to read but I have crappy eyesight anyways so it's no biggie.

Lovely job though, way better than whatever I could write aha xD

In the beginning, the girl seems like more of the victim, but as I read on I found out why she was being taken to the mental hospital. The removal of her teeth had me wincing and I could hardly believe that the poor girl was able to stay conscious through most of it.

I'm not much of a fan of things such as this, but I liked it. There were a few errors, but I expect you'll fix those as you continue to write this.

Woooaahhh @__@... this is amazing.....

Woah. That was good.