Broken - Comments

You know, I began reading this as a comment swap, not usually fond of stories like these, thinking they're pretty stock standard love-lost kind of things. And for the most part, it was. But regardless of how I entered it, i actually found myself pretty captivated. And I don't even like stories like these. I can't really put my finger exactly on what had drew me in. I'm a male, so these kinds of things aren't things I relate to all too well, but I almost got a sense of time stopping when he notices the main character. This sense of everything else in the coffee shop freezing in place while the exchange played out. Definitely above average from the stock standard, so kudos.

I really like this story because I love second person address. I don't find it used that often and certainly not as well as this. I always find it so much more personal and you can really get into the mind of the character when they talk directly to the person. I love that you choose this voice and it's not weird at all. It's so intimate and makes me really feel for Sandra. I can feel her pain and her heart breaking all over again to see Zayn with another girl so soon.

This is really emotional and I don't know if it's because I've had the misfortune of running into exes in places I didn't want to see them when I wasn't fully over them yet, but I think it's relatable whether or not you've had that experience. The way you describe Sandra's state, her mind being plagued by thoughts of him, her feelings of emptiness without him, and her utter soul shattering misery to see him with this new girl is so described so well that I think anyone can empathise with her. They'll be able to feel that pit in their stomach when she comes face to face with him and that slight panic of being cornered almost.

I loved how you had Sandra comparing herself to Vanessa since the moment she laid eyes on her. Isn't that so true? Girls always compare themselves to their ex's new girlfriend and it doesn't do any good obviously, it just causes more pain and damage, but we all do it anyway and reading that just made this situation feel all the more real.

The only thing I'm not so keen on is using bold and strikethrough in the text. Bold not so much, but crossing out the line You never really did see me, did you? just takes me out of the story for a second. I think it interrupts the flow and would read so much better if left without it. Just a personal preference though.

Your story was raw and still slightly poetic at the same time. I adore that you found such a balance between being straightforward with her feelings and describing them in lovely, creative ways. I'm glad you chose such a simple situation of running into him accidentally in a coffee shop and then creating depth with all these layers of feelings and awkward tension. It was a brilliant one-shot. :)

Sorry for commenting again on this. But I really loved your creativity and the way you conveyed your ideas so well. You are a good writer, and I bet you could become an author if you put your mind to it. I want to be a Journalist when I grow up so I know when someone writes well and when someone doesn’t. What’s your desired profession? I’d be cool if you were a writer, because like I said earlier you really are good!! I could see all the images and feel the words as they connected with me.

When are you going to update? :D

ahhhh this was really good! i love how you wrote this. i could really relate to Sandra, but omg the awkwardness like RADIATING through this was so bad. I don't think I can really put into words how I enjoyed this? it was a first reading something like "lick my wounds in private" and idk I thought you did well. :*

Wow!! It's really good! I love your writing style!! :D

i love it :)

Loved it! :)

Thanks for recommending this :)
I was a big fan.