Butterfly Pulse - Comments

Hi! I ended up here through comment swap, and I decided to start this comment in the middle of reading, so please be patient if I seem to ramble throughout this.

Anyway, my first impression of this story: Ever (love the name) is a very relatable character for me. From the first paragraph, it was obvious that the poor kid is suffering from depression, which is a bold choice to start a story with. Usually depression is the sort of thing that's woven in at a level that it's hard to tell or avoided altogether, and when you do see it, it's usually in women. A lot of men suffer from depression too, though, and I really appreciate that that's what you've done here. All of the insecurities and hopelessness and seeing the world so bleak is just dead-on, and you really captured that great.

Getting further into the story, I'm noticing that the way you've written this is very "telling". I don't really know how to describe it except that it sounds a little like you're giving the reader a series of facts, rather than showing the story to them. That said, with your choice of beginning solely in Ever's head, it would be hard to really show the reader anything, as you're trying to stay close to his thoughts and emotions. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it's something that all writers tend to fall into at some time or another (I do it all the time). My suggestion with easing that a little would be to withhold some of that initial deluge of information from the reader. There's a lot of background in his parents dying, him being gay presumably, and even how he feels about Asher all before Asher even comes into the picture. Even doing something as little as nixing the mention of his parents dying and letting the reader find out that he lives with his aunt when she opens the door for Asher can make a big difference, because you're doling out the information a little at a time at that point rather than just feeding it to the reader.

After Asher shows up, I also noticed that you sort of jumped into his head for a bit before you returned to Ever, at which point you seemed to switch between the two when you felt you needed to. You actually did this switch in POV very cleanly, but my reaction was that it was a little jarring. There is so much from strictly Ever's POV in the beginning that you don't expect the jump until it suddenly happens, and then you're doing a double-take, re-reading to make sure that you didn't miss something. That could just be me though.

Anyway, overall, this was an enjoyable, cute little read that warmed my heart, especially because of that connection I had with Ever from the start in realizing that he had depression, and I really loved it! I'm really sorry if my suggestions came off a little harsh; I'm really just trying to make suggestions that might help, and I've been in fiction writing workshops where I've had to seriously talk about all the elements of writing, so it's probably affecting things a little. One thing I've learned is that all stories need revision (apparently several goes of it), and I can't wait to see where you take this!

Also, quick endnote... I LOVE your name. Elodin is one of my favorites from The Name of the Wind

My last comment didn't want to edit, but I wanted to tell you that this story is absolutely heart warming and heart wrenching at the same time. I love that in his time of need, Asher comes to Ever's side and they both end up finding out what their missing piece is in the end, even if it's stared them in the face this entire time. I love the vocabulary you use and the little details you put into the emotions. You did a brilliant job.

I really love this story. I love the vocabulary you use, and how in the end they come back together. It's a very nice, heartwarming piece that's heart wrenching at the same time.

This story was sooo cute.
A few spelling errors, but it was so freaking adorable!

ahora niños de 14, viciosilla! seguro ke ganas el premio ewe

I loveeeeeeeed it! Oh my god, it was so adorable! :D
I love the whole idea that you put into play here and the way you executed it!
Definitely one of my favorites so far ;D

Why are you the one curling in the corner and sobbing? I think we need to swap places here because this story was just... I have no words for it. It was beautiful and the language put my measly range of vocabulary to shame. Just wow.
Good luck for the contest anyway - if you don't win then I'm a cabbage!