Update soon?
July 5th, 2012 at 02:42am
So... Con. crit. hopefully C: I started reading it and the idea seems to be really good, but there are some moments when it gets a bit unrealistic... (I'm only on chapter 3 so far...) I mean the thing about the doctor... Okay, so maybe it doesn't get easier to him to watch people deal with thing like that, but I think that he really shouldn't be telling Gerard things like that... He might have said that it was going to be alright, but it sounded more as if he was forcing Gerard not to leave Frank, which was plain weird :/ or maybe the doctor's just psychic... You should also spell check, there are a few mistakes, but only a few C: You could also use a bit more narration and descriptions - in chapter four Frank is at first angry with Gerard, demanding, then just suspicious when Gerard bursts out in tears, but he doesn't sound like it. His speech kind of lack emotions in some parts, some sentences could have been finished with exclamation marks instead of dots C: Really, sometimes the lack of narration is just screaming at you, for example in this case :
"(...) I'm crying because I'm a fucking failure!" Gerard screamed, burying his head in his hands, soaking his shirt sleeves.
"Gerard please calm down, you'll be sick and you are not a failure." (...)
Okay, here I can stand the creepy doc, but that's because Gerard turned to him for help C: anyway, what I'm talking about is the lack of reaction form the doctor... To me the scene looks like this - Gerard is expressive, he's crying, screaming, behaving like his husband's just lost memory (which is good, points or you C: ) and the doctor speaks his lines in robotic voice, face expressionless. If only he could throw an uneasy look at Gerard or something like that after Gerard screamed his last sentence, that'd look better I suppose C: And I know that Frank finds Gerard hot and he's his husband, but after memory loss shouldn't he be at least freaked out? You also tend to use loose instead of lose. That's about it XD I hope you don't feel offended, because it wasn't my intention C:
