"Shame pools in my gut as the clammy feeling takes over; my toes curl and my fingers drive their nails into my palms."
This line, I think, represents the narrative voice you should strive for in this story. It's not flowery language, it's not complex- it's raw and very sensory laden. The opening paragraph of this story doesn't quite get there, it sounds a little off, and I think the use of the word "dessert" is part of that, it's too nice and doesn't mimic the physical process being described as darkly as everything else in the story.
"I whimper. I cry. I scream out"
I would almost start out with those lines. They mimic the sort of minimalism of the piece as a whole, and they're intriguing. Immediately after reading them, your reader has questions and is motivated to keep reading the piece.
I enjoyed this piece and the style it was written in, but the one thing I felt I was lacking as a reader was the cognitive aspect. I didn't have a good feel for what this man was thinking.
This line, I think, represents the narrative voice you should strive for in this story. It's not flowery language, it's not complex- it's raw and very sensory laden. The opening paragraph of this story doesn't quite get there, it sounds a little off, and I think the use of the word "dessert" is part of that, it's too nice and doesn't mimic the physical process being described as darkly as everything else in the story.
"I whimper.
I cry.
I scream out"
I would almost start out with those lines. They mimic the sort of minimalism of the piece as a whole, and they're intriguing. Immediately after reading them, your reader has questions and is motivated to keep reading the piece.
I enjoyed this piece and the style it was written in, but the one thing I felt I was lacking as a reader was the cognitive aspect. I didn't have a good feel for what this man was thinking.