Broken Wings - Comments

I’m here to judge for the ‘Pick A Couple, Pick A Flyleaf Song, Pick A Theme, And Get To Writing!’ contest again.

That is not at all how I thought this story was going to end, hah. I really did think it was going to be a cute, somewhat angsty, best-friends-to-lovers story so the twist at the end was actually really tragic and surprising. I was actually sad about it because I wanted them to be alive and happy. I’m never content when a gay couple finds their happiness in death rather than life, but call me a romantic, I suppose.

One of my biggest problems with this story was the pacing. It was all over the place and very rushed. I didn’t really have any time to get to know the characters before two of them were just dead. Not knowing the characters or really connecting to them made this story feel kind of hollow when it came to emotions? You mentioned making yourself upset, but everything literally happened so quickly that I wasn’t even really fazed by anything. I was sad for CC, sure, because having being in love with someone and thinking it’s unrequited sucks, I’ve been there. I was even a little sad for Jake because he was so convinced CC didn’t feel the same way. But all of my empathy towards them stemmed from the fact that I’ve been in the situation before and remember how it felt when I should have felt more.

The entire dying scene wasn’t very realistic either. CC should have been in much worse condition than he actually was if a car going 90MPH hit him. So he shouldn’t have been able to talk and reminisce with the band in his final moments. Sure, it was bittersweet because I was pretty sure he was going to die with how you wrote your implications, but it was very unrealistic—even for fiction. So maybe try slowing the car down or something?

Like your other story, Beautiful Bride, your dialogue tags aren’t right. If you’re not sure how to do it (because proper dialogue can be tricky), I would recommend having a second person read it over, such as an editor or such. It would help prevent the run-on sentences and clumsy dialogue that tends to happen simply because of the errors and lack of punctuation. The conversation itself isn’t really unnatural so if you were to edit, it’d be fine.

You did write about the (supposed) unrequited love between the two well and I did appreciate how the rest of the band were trying to push them together. It sucks that it didn’t work in time, but it was nice because they kept reassuring CC that they would be there for him no matter what. It was a good dynamic. I love brotherly relationships. So all in all, some things could use a little improvement but it was a good story with potential.

Reduced to tears! :(
It felt so real. well done for an amazing story even if it was a really sad story end

Cried my face off. I now have no face. Hehe. Just kidding. But this was F'ing amazing.

This was incredibly sad I cried at the ending of the fourth chapter it hurt to see them die to me it felt like it acutally happened but nice job on the writing styles.

Not gonna lie, I balled! Really well done!

I really like this story. The only advice I have is to work on your capitalization. All in all I'm in love with this so much!!!!

I hate you. Now I must make a fangirl crazed Twitter post to CC about him ever dying!

Good job! It's as good as your first entry! ;D