July 27th, 2015 at 09:15pm
I thought as far as spelling and grammar you did pretty well. As I was reading it, I did find myself a little bit bored, only because I'm just used to writing so much in a paragraph, seeing the way you write, just makes me notice how each persons writing is different.
Anyway, I wasn't too interested in the story. I'm not saying it was a bad story, it's just the fact that this isn't really my kind of story. Do you know what I mean?
Perhaps you can read some more books or some more stories, just to get the gist of how paragraphs are formed and to make sure it's nice and long, but short enough for readers to want to read it.
Also, revise over your chapters a heap of times, and do try to make changes. Even if you think it sounds good, find something to change. Because if you change it around and edit things, it's bound to show results.
Hope this helped, pal. n__n
I don't agree with the previous comment regarding paragraphs. Dialogue is a great way to make things interesting. That being said, you could separate your dialogue from your paragraphs to make it easier to read, and also make sure you let the reader know who is saying which line. For instance:
“Okay! We’ve got 4 margs, 5 peps and a pineapple-olive hybrid going to the mansion up on 6th.” I made a face at Joe, who was handing me 5 pizza boxes, him holding the other 5.
“Ew. Who the hell is eating pineapple and olives on a pizza?”
Is he making a face at Joe while saying the first line, or is he making a face while Joe is saying it and responding with the second line?
A second point - try not to introduce so many characters so fast. Introduce them slowly, giving the reader a sense of their place in the story and their personalities.
But if you combined the first chapter with the second and made a few minor changes, I think you would have a nice, well written introduction. Good work - keep writing!