Al and Mel - Comments

This is very nice. I really like it. I love your way of writing, how everything flows. It’s also hilarious. The narration, and the conversations. And you’ve made me fall in love with Cameron already. Haha.

I just noticed a few things, just little grammar things that don’t stand out too often but because I’m somewhat of a grammar nazi I noticed. In the first chapter, So how was your summers?” I think it would read a lot nicer if instead of ‘was’ there was ‘were’…. That could just be me though… And then, the last paragraph in the second chapter, where Mel is talking. There should be a quotation starting her sentence, you have one at the end but not starting it off. And this one sentence, I suggest that you re-write it… I don’t know how, but I think it should be… I know Mel meet it be good and all but it's so awkward. Again, it could just be me…

Overall, it’s a great story! And I can’t wait to read more of it, I’m definitely subscribing! Good luck with the rest of it.

Right off the bat I noticed a few mistakes. For example, “Mel! Come on! We’re gonna be late!” My best friend of all time 'My' should be capitalized. Consistently, throughout the story you randomly forwent capitalizing the word following your dialogue when it should always be capitalized. Also, Unfortunately for her, my hair takes time to look this amazing. You used 'unfortunate' when 'unfortunately' is correct and helps to make the sentence read smoothly. Then in this sentence, I had spent hours of curling my normally straight blonde hair[...], you added the word of which is simply incorrect syntax.

There were lots of little mistakes like that, and I highly suggest you consider getting a Beta Reader or at least take more time to edit, edit, edit. Nothing detracts from a reader's experience more than mistakes that break up the flow of the story. I think you have a lot of potential as a writer, and by correcting the mistakes found in this story you could easily take it to the next level—from passable to great. Good luck and happy writing.

I really like both of your writing styles, and how you separated the point of views. It was easy to see the change, but not too obvious, which is always nice in co-author works. Often enough, there’s such a large change in styles it drives me crazy to read straight through, but yours compliment one another’s nicely. Overall I really liked it (:

This story is well written. I love the way you make the girls have real personalities and each one is different than the other. I feel like I'm in that school with them and am watching their lives in front of me. Keep up the good work.

I like how you have used two point of view and how they are clearly indicated as some authors don't do that which makes the story hard to read however I think you did that really well. As well as this I think it is well written and that your writing is improving with each chapter. Although I agree with the previous comments that this isn't the type of thing I normally read (I came across it on comment swap?)and I think that some of the characters are a bit over the top, I like it.

That is supposed to say "poor hero or heroine", but whatevs.

That is supposed to say "poor hero or heroine", but whatevs.

I have to agree with Sole Che Sorge, not my usual genre. It is good though, your writing is pretty well rounded...you make this mistake with dialogue. Such as:
Mel screamed from the bathroom," Come on, Al!"
It should be:
Mel screamed from the bathroom, "Come on, Al!"
Probably just typing fast and that is why, I understand. Just thought I'd point it out.

Uh, I died when Cammy dumped Riley because of the hair. Literally laughed aloud. It was very lady-like, with a snort and everything.

All in all, it is a good story. Not my usual gig--I'm more of an action girl with lots of God-awful things happening to a pore hero or heroine--but it is good. (:

Not my usual cup of tea. Is it really weird that Mel kind of reminded me of Sam Winchester? Lol. ROFL. Anywho, despite the fact that it's not my genre, you did really good with characterization and plot. Over all, I would give this a 7 or 8, but that is only because it's not the type of genre I'm into. :).