Maybe Then He'd Be Okay - Comments

I’m here to judge for the ‘Original Prewrite Contest (Slash/Femslash)’ contest.

The twist you took with this was really dark and surprising, I didn’t even totally know how to react to it. I still don’t and I’ve been thinking about it for a little bit before I started writing this comment. It started out with this really sweet moment between two boys in love and very quickly escalated that I wasn’t even entirely comprehending it. With how the narrative and story was going, I honestly expected Ryder to have been depressed and committed suicide so the fact that it was actually a freak accident was insane and definitely unforeseen.

I did like how the story was told in both flashbacks and the narrator retelling the night before and the day of. It was unique and made it an enjoyable read, despite its really gruesome ending. The flashbacks made it easier for me to be sympathetic because you gave me glimpses of both their relationship and Ryder’s personality. And the fact that it ends with the narrator dealing with an abundance of guilt made it even sadder. That’s something that’s going to haunt him for the rest of his life and I have no idea how someone could get past that. Of course, it wasn’t actually his fault but I don’t think anything on this planet could convince him otherwise for the rest of eternity.

This was definitely a unanticipated story with nice, simple prose that made it an effortless read. Good job!

Loved it

Comment swap sent me here;;
Slash isn't quite my favorite, but I loved loved LOVED this. Probably one of my favorites I've ever read on Mibba. No lie. You used great description and I love you for that. The ending was sad and it took me by surprise. Lovely job, darling. :)

Oh my gosh, that was really sad :/
At the end, my eyes started to water. Waah.

Hmm, I really liked this though. Good job :]