The first thing I noticed upon reading this piece was the lack of capitalization. As I read through the story (and read through it again a second time), I found no significance in this, and that was a definitely turn off for me as a reader. I love experimentation with grammar and writing style when done with purpose and reason. Without it, it just seems like lazy writing or rebel-without-a-cause writing. It just didn’t ‘get it’ and it seems there was nothing to be gained by using this particular style – especially since it’s told in third person and not first.
With that said, I did think this was a lovely piece. With the exception of this line – practiced rehearsed known revered – I think it had a really nice rhythm to it and, for the most part, the wording was wonderful.
The relationship between the two characters (couple or duet) seems sweet, although complicated. From the details you did reveal, I got the impression that the girl, Rory, was suffering from something like depression (or some other mental disorder – bipolar disorder maybe? – the mention of ‘bad days’ made me think of that).
I liked that the music was something that seemed to soothe and connect the two, which may hint at the fact that though Rory is the obvious “needy” one, Andy may be equally dependent on her for comfort and, possibly, inspiration. This part specifically:
"you could believe in me," he offered a moment afterwards. "i'll take care of you, rory; i'll make you dream dreams you never thought you'd see, if you'll let me."
I think shows us that Rory isn’t really a person who allows herself to depend on anyone, not normally, so perhaps this relationship with Andy is a particularly special one. I think it reveals a lot about both of their personalities – Rory’s determination to remain independent and Andy’s commitment to being there for her – and I like the subtly of it.
All in all, I think this was a really good short story and that you managed to put forth a lot of information and emotion in such a small space of words – definitely a difficult task – and I think you did it exceptionally well.
* The possessive form of “her” is “hers” – no apostrophe needed.
With that said, I did think this was a lovely piece. With the exception of this line – practiced rehearsed known revered – I think it had a really nice rhythm to it and, for the most part, the wording was wonderful.
The relationship between the two characters (couple or duet) seems sweet, although complicated. From the details you did reveal, I got the impression that the girl, Rory, was suffering from something like depression (or some other mental disorder – bipolar disorder maybe? – the mention of ‘bad days’ made me think of that).
I liked that the music was something that seemed to soothe and connect the two, which may hint at the fact that though Rory is the obvious “needy” one, Andy may be equally dependent on her for comfort and, possibly, inspiration. This part specifically:
"you could believe in me," he offered a moment
afterwards. "i'll take care of you, rory; i'll make you dream
dreams you never thought you'd see, if you'll let me."
I think shows us that Rory isn’t really a person who allows herself to depend on anyone, not normally, so perhaps this relationship with Andy is a particularly special one. I think it reveals a lot about both of their personalities – Rory’s determination to remain independent and Andy’s commitment to being there for her – and I like the subtly of it.
All in all, I think this was a really good short story and that you managed to put forth a lot of information and emotion in such a small space of words – definitely a difficult task – and I think you did it exceptionally well.
* The possessive form of “her” is “hers” – no apostrophe needed.