I Thought I Had It All - Comments

First, you should put the thing about death in quotes in your description.
Second when you go into detail about the character you should show us more about her instead of telling us her name and her story. Also you should just go over editing. (the commas are important.) I'm not an A7x fan and I don't enjoy fanfiction but you have a pretty layout and a good turn out of fans.

Also one little nitpick: when someone died they normally don't deliver the news on the phone, you are asked to come down to the station, identify the body, etc etc.

Bravo :)

-comment swap- this is excellent! the story is really great, but it's so sad that Emily's mom died in the very first chapter:( the only thing to make it better would be a few more commas, but otherwise, i love it! can't wait to see what happens next

Love it! Keep updating!

I think you're moving the story along to fast. There's not enough details leading up to everything. You're kinda just jumping from one event to another.

The first thing that jumped out at me, as I read the first chapter, was a glaring lack of commas. Throughout the whole chapter you have... seven. But from the first paragraph, I see room for a lot more.
This is how the first paragraph should roughly read:

So(, here) for starters my name ( and/or , here) is Emily Miller(,) I have been friends with the guys of Avenged Sevenfold since I was a little kid. People would love to be in my position(,) I know. But (, here)believe me (and/or , here) its not easy sometimes.

A comma is meant to be there when the subject and predicate present ideas that are independent. Not necessarily whole sentences, but the idea of the predicate doesn't depend on the subject.

For example: She kicked the ball and it rolled. <--- No comma.
Since "And it rolled" can't stand alone.

Alternatively it could be: "She kicked the ball, but she ran towards third base." The predicate presents an idea that's independent from the subject-- but connected.

So, another example from your own

A comma is also used to state a list [she bought apples, onions, and bananas], set off introductory elements [Proceeding with caution, the cop tapped on the window.], and to add more information [The river, which ran through the town, was overflowing.]

The list one is pretty easy to get. That's one of the first commas lessons that you learn.

Using another paragraph in your first chapter:

I got out of the car and grabbed my house key. I lived here [, here]but[, or here] we had been fighting for a couple days[,] so I was staying at my house to give each other some space.
I walked up to the front door, took a deep breath trying to keep myself together[, the first comma is good, but if it's true than there needs to be a second one here.] and then unlocked it.

A good way to just roughly go through, without worrying about following the rules to a microscopic 'T', is to read the sentence you're writing out loud. Do you pause anywhere naturally?

Do you say, " 'Uh (briefpause) no ma'am (briefpause) this isn't about a Brian. We are calling on behalf of your mother (briefpause) Sharon.' "

Every briefpause should be a comma. That's because that's what a comma represents. Punctuation is put in place to replace, in written works, how we would say things verbally.

So the man (I read it in a man's voice, anyway, maybe I'm wrong.) would have said "Uh, no ma'am, this isn't about a Brian. We are calling on behalf of your mother, Sharon."

That sidenote leads me to my next point, which is about your dialogue.

You are the queen of dialogue, it flows naturally, and I get a feel for the personalities of the people she talks to. Unfortunately, your lack of description around said dialogue doesn't give me a feel for their environments.

For example, the person on the phone. What is their gender? Why didn't they at least state their name?

You could have said, " 'Hello. This is the County Sheriff's office.' he said. "

Feel free to change it up to, "He said.", "He stated.", "He spoke."
Add an adjective...
"He said grimly.", "He stated slowly.", "He spoke carefully."

You could have also went with, " 'Hello. This is Jack, from the county sheriff's office.' ".

That way we get a feel for who the second dialogue is from.

...You could easily do both, " 'Hello. This is Jack, from the county sheriff's office.' He spoke carefully. "

This way we also get a feel for the tone. It's implied, by the conversation itself, that the topic is grim--- and thusly so, "Jack" must be speaking very softly.

It's good to leave some things to the readers imaginations, too. That's great. You can't expect them to paint a picture of everything, though.

Sometimes, a nudge in the direction you want to go is all you need.

Other than these notes, however, this first chapter is excellently written.

Your tone has a sort of subtlety that works wonders. The notes that you make are enough for us to get a feel for how she feels about certain characters. Who they are to her.

More specifically, you have done a great job at showing and not telling. I haven't run into many stories on here that have that down.

For example, the simple fact that "Jack" says things like "uh" and "umm"....when he's talking about the sadder subject. Then, he turns into this finely spoken person, focused on what he's saying, when it's time to get down to the investigative business.

This short exchange over the phone speaks volumes about his character.

I confess to not having read passed chapter 1 yet, so I don't know if he's a minor character. I don't even know if his name is Jack. >_>; It just feels right for him.

Unless, he's a girl. Oh, jeez, is Jack a girl? D:

My point here being, even if Jack is only a minor character, you've given him a great personality from the dialogue. I'm able to deduce that he's the sort of fellow who's more comfortable in his work than he is on a personal level. He feels more at focus when he's doing his job, than he does when he's trying to emotionally reach out.

>_>; A romance with Jack would just be splendid, I hope you write one.

Jack's just splendid. I think he's my favorite character.

This all being said, just to sum up, the only problem I've seen through this entire first chapter all boils down to a lack of punctuation.

Otherwise, everything you've written is fantastic!

You've earned yourself a subscription!

YESSSS... HUGE SEX SCENE\o/\o/.... so I really love this story and this chapter is amazing. please update soon :D

Do the sex scene

I like this story, although I'm not very much into the Avenged Sevenfold fandom, but I like it. I only got to read the first part but it seems good. Her boyfriend seems pissy though. I wonder why her mother overdosed? I'm intrigued. Keep up the good work!

Well, I didn't see that coming but I like it! :)

dude. I love it. Like so far its rather amazing xD

i love it! :)
can't wait to see what happens next!

I'm impressed. This story is really amazing! : ) I'm really looking forward to how this story pans out more. I can't wait to read more! <3

The layout is fantastic. Indigo.Umbrella is an amazing user on this site and her banner making skills are off the charts, just thought I'd say that quickly.
Now, I'm not very familiar with the A7X fandom, but I will do my best to be as open minded as possible..
People say that death brings you closer. But I say that death can tear you apart.
This line just puts in so much emotion, and it's just two sentences! Fantastic job there.

I glance over at the clock and it read 3:04AM. Who in the hell is calling me at this ungodly hour. I picked up my phone and answered it.
I really think you should've started another paragraph. Emily is thinking Who in the hell is calling me at this ungodly hour, right? If so, then it needs a paragraph, also a question mark, instead of a period at the end of it.

Matt seemed like a dick when Emily was trying to tell him something. I can relate to that... People sometimes. You did a great job gathering the emotion, I kinda wish you would've explained the call between the sheriff's office and Emily more. You know, put more detail.

Great work, though!

Can't wait to read more!!

I really like your story. It's cute! :3