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March 13th, 2011 at 02:20am
The Steel Magnolia - Comments
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Heh, it's kinda been a year since you updated this last... But... xD, I haven't read a Mulan fic before, and this is downright amazing:)July 31st, 2009 at 09:21am
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Okey doke. :cute: Here we are. (: If you see my rant videos you'll realize just how much I've lost my mind and will realize why all my reviews for you are so insane xD But on with it.
Nonono. What was he going to whisper?! :grr:
And what was the message that interrupted them? Like, you didn't address that at all. Was it intentional?
ANDANDAND. I get what you mean now about them having many more interruptions through the course of the story. :tehe:
A moment of silence followed, and then the entire mess tent broke out in a war of white rice, pot stickers and plum sauce.
My god. :roll: They're quite silly for being manly warriors aren't they? :tehe:
pressed her own staff against his (bare) chest, her expression solemn and challenging.
;;P
Shang pursed his lips. She was so brave, fearless, remarkable in her courage, but any scorn coming from someone who meant anything to her could quickly tear her apart. She was like a child, always trying to prove herself, and so hurt if someone pointed out a mistake, as if she wanted everything she did to be seen as perfect. Worst of all, she let others' disapproval get to her, and it ruined the sparkling personality that was so distinctive to her.
Awwwwwwwww. Shang is so freaking adorable!
I like seeing his view of Mulan when he's in a slightly more tender state of mind, where it's not pride at her fighting or leadership skills but just an admiration of her personality. ohmygodohmygodohmygod sososo cute. :cute:
“It's too much paperwork!” he finally cried with frustration. Mulan leaned back in surprise, them smiled kindly, shaking her head.
:lmfao This is what Shang gets annoyed about? Not the fact that his trainees are ridiculously immature and having a foodfight at this precise moment, not that the Huns are looming around the corner?!? xDD
Shang chuckled—if he had been a girl,
For a moment, she stared at the placid water; then, curiouly, she dipped her toes into it. She drew back, shuddering audibly.
This is generally how Mulan's personality is, isn't it? :XD She always gets herself into trouble.
There's not much to be said for the last scene except that I loved it. The descriptions were kind of ethereal and delicate, the same way Mulan must seem to Shang when he hears her singing.
I loved it. May 17th, 2008 at 08:02pm -
^ To the comment above: 'Tis because I pwn, and Eva whores her story shamelessly.
Just kidding my dear Eva. That and I'm rambly. There's actually not much substance in my reviews. :XD
Suppressing an evil laugh, she started back towards her tent to study Sun Tzu before bed.
Hmmm. I wonder how much Mulan's personality is like yours, Eva. If so, you have revealed much more evilness than I care to recognize. :XD Anyway, "Mulan's" evilness amuses me.
She was small , like their Captain Fa, but was more lithe than skinny.
Typo o rly? Space between the small and the comma. I clearly fail at betaing :XD
causing nostalgia in the soldiers' hearts along with stirring their passions. Oh, but they would not be stirred for long, she thought.
More and more sadism. It kinda makes me think she's gonna like castrate them or something. :XD Me likey.
Hey, I like dressing up once in a while... she'd added indignantly in her head, almost insulted by the thought.
:XD Any self respecting girly girl would be, and Mulan is one at heart. :cute:
“If you think yourselves so tough and manly,
Okay, I should have noticed this during my beta-ing, but tough and manly are not really words that would be used in that time period, are they? Perhaps strong and masculine? Nonetheless, this made me giggle.
A collective round of gulps could be heard, not one man stepping forth. Fine, she thought. I'll choose someone myself...Ahh, Feng doesn't look too comfortable. Let's choose him.
Again with the sadism. :tehe:
Okay, I'll tell you something meaningful: I really liked the fight scene with Feng. The description was perfect; you showed the fierceness of the fighting, yet you kept slipping in little reminders of how she was dressed: the small hands, slippers, tiny body. I loved it.
And I DEFINITELY liked the fight scene with Shang. Sexual tension o rly? ;;P
OMGOMGOMG What was he going to whisper?!? :grr: -is annoyed at stupid messenger boy-
Anyway. Sorry if this review was kind of ridiculous. I noticed how much I used the :XD smiley. 'Tis because the innuendo episode of Scrubs is on and it's hilarious. Forgive me. (:
AND. ILY Eva. :cute:May 9th, 2008 at 04:49am -
I'm still reading =]
Wow. Your story has so many long 'review' comments!May 7th, 2008 at 10:18pm -
Hello my dear. (:
I'm going to leave two separate comments because I'm ridiculous and obsessive like that, so this one is for Chapter 5.
Okay. Okay, the dream sequence got me to now that I've reread it closely. It's very much real, but you still captured that hazy, out of control feeling I get during nightmares. It's very stark horror, and the tone makes it that much worse.
caressing her arms and running bony fingers down her spine.
When I imagined the bony fingers, I shivered, which may or may not have been intentional but it was effective nonetheless in setting the mood.
she thought coherently that it would mar her for a very long time, if not forever.
okay, you're seriously reading my freaking mind with this nightmare stuff. :arms: Jeez, I've really like connected with Mulan in this chapter, not necessarily because I've been having nightmares too, but because she's just a girl who had a scary nightmare and wants someone to comfort her. It's a level of normality we haven't really seen from her yet, [except for perhaps the perving on Shang in the pond xDD] and it makes me like her character that much more.
Her voice tremoring slightly, she began to sing the words to a lullaby her mother sang to her when she was an infant. She found herself drifting away, allayed into sleep by the sound of her own humming. This time, no dreams followed her into the next world.
Aww Mulan! :arms: I would actually just quote the whole last two paragraphs of that scene but it would get too long. (: My point is that I loveloveloved this.
And the Hun planning scene was so frightening.
These clouds were extending over China and across her borders, threatening to release its torrential wrath at any second.
Metaphor o rly? Very nice. Even before I figured out what the scene was [yeah, it's 8 in the morning, I'm slow, give me a break] I got the ominous feel of it. I can just imagine these clouds deftly sneaking right into people's home without them thinking twice about it, just waiting to destory them. I mean, obviously the clodus can't do this, but that was the visual I got, and it certainly helped set the mood.
Treated with extra care?! Now that's ominous. -shudder-
Looks like things are heating up for our favorite heroine.
Ah well. Safety is boring. :cute:
Anyway Eva, I must end this comment, as I seem to be giving you clues to my true sadism. Not only this, I must prepare myself for school. :grr: Expect my comment on Chapter 6 at around 4:30 your time, I get off early today. :cute:May 7th, 2008 at 05:16pm -
I've read the rest now! And I subscribed.
Your writing is consistant all the way through and I really enjoyed the plot.April 28th, 2008 at 06:31pm -
"The Steel Magnolia"
Oh my a Mulan story. I would have never thought about this before. As a fan of both the disney movies I thought you did a great job with character and relatioship wise. You got the sillyness of Mushu done pact. Reading this made me remember the movie and that just brought a smile to my face.
I love your descriptions and you're a good writer. As I read everything came rolling in like a movie and that's good, but I saw the movie and not your words at some times.
My favorite lines were
Looks of amazement followed her as she went to meet the General in his rather grand tent. Whispers surrounded her, not unlike they had when she returned home. They all wondered why she had returned, a woman who had scraped past the law and also the heroine of China. At least one title was honorable.April 22nd, 2008 at 05:07am -
Ohai new chapter!
I noticed this one on the stories page instead of on my subscriptions page so it was a pleasant surprise. :cute:
Now that I'm beta-ing for you these reviews will be all good stuff. :cute: Boosting/Creating your non-existent ego, and perhaps giving people an elevated impression of this story's awesomeness, which is always good.
I'm watching Harry Potter [yes, again] and being distracted by lolcats so this review might be a bit all over the place. I'll try to be coherent.
See, I've already got three "paragraphs" of absolutely nothing. So let's get on with this, shall we?
serious, she struggled to suppress a wistful sigh at the sight of him. She quickly brushed those
XDDDD Mulan's something of a pervert, isn't she?!? Am I correct in assuming that Shang was nekkid? :yah
“Wh-who would you be most comfortable with bringing it to you?”
Awww, Shang's a real gentleman! :yah He gets more and more perfect.
I love that Mulan's so embarassed here. It's like a little girl and her crush, it's just shy and awkward and cute.
But as always, she's careful and calculating, in deciding who will bring her the towel, in dealing with the situation.
I see you changed it a little, as the speed seemed more stable, and it was something of a lighter read.
So yes. Chethana approves.
April 21st, 2008 at 05:15am -
I know it would have been preferable if I had reviewed the entire story. However, the first chapter was so long, I decided to only review that. I hope that’s okay.
I was shocked at first by the topic of the story, because this is totally new to Mibba. I liked the first line because it wasn’t too long, and it managed to get my attention.
He was a man of procedure and strategy, but could form no plan to guard him against a female in his midst (aside from his mother, of course).
What I like about this line is the way it shows he is a solider, but a human being at the same time. I love the way that came across just through one sentence.
The way you describe the women is good, although a little heavy to read in parts. It continues the theme of the story nicely, and matches what was said in the last paragraph.
The young men stopped themselves there, each departing with rouge creeping into their complexions.
That made me smile, because I can just imagine it as I read. I think young men would react that way, and that makes the whole thing more realistic.
I did love the way it ended with a short line. It was almost like it was matching the beginning line, which was also short.
The position of Captain was beginning to prove impossible for her.
I’ll be honest, as I read on, I found come of the paragraphs a little long. Although it is written well, I did feel it began to drag.
All in all I enjoyed it and I really love the layout.April 18th, 2008 at 04:45pm -
I told you i would read it. xD
Your a good writer.
Mushu is funny. :lmfao
nice jobbb. hahahaApril 18th, 2008 at 12:46am -
I got temporarily kicked off the computer so I could be productive, but out of a desire to protect my nonexistent reproductive organs, I snuck on to leave a comment. (:
Awww Cri-Kee! With his little fists on his little hips! :cute: How adorable.
Hehe, I could sense that this one didn't have too much planning behind it. But it was good nonetheless, and it's always entertaining to see Chi Fu get injured. (:
In the beginning, Mulan reminded me of a teenager [like me :shifty] being woken up way too early for school. Some things transcend culture and period, I suppose. (:
his loud, feminine shriek pierced the air Hehe. I may or may not be a little sadistic XD
Mulan suppressed maniacal laughter I was totally not doing the same thing.
She held her hands over her eyes, Mmm. Covering your eyes is such a childish impulse, and certainly not one that most soldiers would have; I like seeing that part of her that sets her apart from the rest and reminds you that she's still just 18.
But I liked that Mulan didn't get too angry because of him; she just kind of ignored it and moved on. (: It shows some development in her maturity and I like that.
I also liked the flirtatious banter she had with Shang. I enjoyed viewing him as some what playful and mischievous. It gives me such cute mental images. :cute:
Mmm, but this particular line sounded weird:
At this scenic time, only one soul was awake, yet soon to be three. I dunno if it's just me, but its strange. Perhaps it would be better if it said, , yet soon there would be three or though there would soon be three.
And in this part, the sentences are kind of disjointed, and it makes the second a little confusing:
Only hers and Shang's tents were different, even different from each other--one a hair larger than the other. Speaking of the man, she hadn't noticed him emerge from the adjacent tent.
Sorry if I'm being too nitpicky with this stuff. :shifty
Hmmm, some slight grammar/proofreading things again:
Ok. There totally were grammar errors. They just seem to have disappeared now. :shifty
I'm not crazy.
:cute:
Edit: Hey, turns out that I can edit the topic title. April 13th, 2008 at 09:05pm -
I fixed 'em both. :arms:- the endless.:
- She thought, her eyes narrowing with the evil smile on her face.
I don't know, the description of the smile as evil just didn't seem to fit with the serenity of the scene. I don't even really get why she would smile evilly for something like that. Maybe like, contentedly, or something. It didn't really match the atmosphere of the whole chapter for me.
And: A subtle moonlight kissed her skin
I dunno if you meant a subtle stream of moonlight kissed her skin, or what, or if it was intentional and I'm just missing something. But yeah, you didn't get pissed at me last time for grammar corrections, so I'll try my luck again here. :cute:
April 11th, 2008 at 07:03am -
I got mentioned.
:cute: I feel so special.
My name is Chethana. (:
First, I think I should just get this out of my system.
MUSHUMUSHUMUSHU! :crazy:
I lovelovelove Mushu. (: And I was hearing his voice from the movie in my head as I read the last bit. :cute:
I especially like the ending of the first scene, where Mulan is returning and Shang is watching her go. I can kind of picture him in my head, tall and strong, but vulnerable because of his affection for Mulan, and it's so cute. But at the same time, reading over it, it gave me this sense of foreboding. Because she was really susceptible to attack in that moment, and I get the feeling that something bad is around the corner.
BUT. -clears throat- That is probably because it's rather dark and creepy in my house right now, and I'm reading a little too much into this.
Again, I liked the little shows of femininity from Mulan. (: The giggles, and the thing with wondering about the moon.
But I liked that she while she was admiring the moon, she was also still determined to find out more about it. I like the balance between the idea of the female admiring the beauty and the male wanting to understand it, the traditional gender roles at that time.
But, the line in the very beginning threw me off.
She thought, her eyes narrowing with the evil smile on her face.
I don't know, the description of the smile as evil just didn't seem to fit with the serenity of the scene. I don't even really get why she would smile evilly for something like that. Maybe like, contentedly, or something. It didn't really match the atmosphere of the whole chapter for me.
And: A subtle moonlight kissed her skin
I dunno if you meant a subtle stream of moonlight kissed her skin, or what, or if it was intentional and I'm just missing something. But yeah, you didn't get pissed at me last time for grammar corrections, so I'll try my luck again here. :cute:
Aww, this made me smile so big. I like this story a lot, perhaps because the time period is so serene, or perhaps because I love Mulan. (: I like the somewhat dated vocabulary, and the richness of the narration, because it just fits the time period for me. And reading that makes me feel really tranquil and relaxed. But, my face is starting to hurt, so I'm gonna end this review. :cute:April 11th, 2008 at 02:57am -
Steal Magnolia
Okay, you are a very good writer for your age, and I say that in an affectionate way because....lord knows when I was 13 I couldn't string two words together coherently.....I'll show you examples one day. ANYWAY, with that said, there were just a couple of things that got me, and mostly it was your sentence structure. In the opening paragraph- the second sentence and the last sentence were kind of confusing.
He owned a heart of stone, not unlike his expression during most times, and was ever diligent.
It sounds like you have three different thoughts in here. I think you were trying to say his expression and his heart were both like stone. But the way it was worded, it took me a while to get it. I don't know how you would change it, but possibly either take out a few words or add something.
He was a man of procedure and strategy, but could form no plan to guard him against it.
What is the it? Was it women? Or the allure of women? Because I know that it is referring to the line before it, but I don't get it. Maybe I am slow.
I think your issue overall was putting too much adjectives and thoughts in one sentence. I know description is key, but there are such things as too much description. When someone puts a million different adjectives and descriptions people loose the sense of the idea and end up not even knowing what you are talking about. I have had the same problem as well. But it isn't something serious, and as you grow as a writer you will get better with word choices and choosing when to use a lot of description. If that make any sense XD
But overall it was very good and very colorful, and I really like your language and your vocabulary. You are on the right track. Just make sure all dialog has a space between them, and you should take out the picture in the summmary since that generally is not allowed.
:)April 4th, 2008 at 09:53pm -
The Steel Magnolia
I remember rating this story on the Rate That Story thread. I was going to read it...but forgot.
This gave me the perfect chance!
Now this is a different type of fanfiction. I've only seen Mulan once, and barley remember it. I guess that's for better since I really enjoyed reading all the descriptions you put in with the characters personalities. It gave me a chance to get to know them.
The narration was great, also. It had a certain feel to it that really went a long with the story.
Her grandmother was obviously a frisky woman.
^ That line made me laugh. I'm not sure why, but it did.
xD
Her ears filled with astounded gasps of the men; the rumors they had heard weren't rumors. She nearly outdid any chosen captain of the Imperial army's troops, previously defeating even Shan-Yu himself.
^ What I really liked is how she showed all those men she was tough and better than them. I get sick of stories on here that have helpless female characters.
Great Job.April 3rd, 2008 at 04:39am -
HAIII. :cute:
So, I said I would comment and here I am! Forgive my lateness; I couldn't have left you a coherent comment when I was that tired.
I really loved the tone of the narration. It was composed and dignified and somewhat dry, and to me that really fits Shang's character and the time period. But I loved those little moments of tenderness and affection you see when speaking of Mulan, and the pride he feels when she is training the soldiers.
I like the idea of Shang being reduced to a bumbling teenage boyfriend. It made me giggle so hard imagining him like that. And of course this line seriously made me lol:
Her grandmother was obviously a frisky woman. XDDDDDDDDDD
Sorry. Anyway.
I liked the contrast between Mulan's character in her home and her character with the soldiers. But I like that there are little hints of that girlishness and immaturity even when she is being tough. It seems more realistic when you have a female soldier that they don't totally switch personalities.
I don't know how much of a stickler you are for grammar, but I found a mistake:
If it worker for him, it had no reason not to work for her, she thought, momentarily forgetting her gender and stature.
I know that pointing out grammar mistakes offends some people, and if you're one of them, I apologize. Only things like that bother me in my writing, so I thought I would point it out.
Anyway. I can't believe that I got so into their characters. If all of the characterizations were totally coincidental, sorry. It just shows you how much of a freak I am about Disney movies. :roll:
I hope I did this justice. :mrgreen:March 30th, 2008 at 07:44pm
