May I Say I Loved You More? - Comments

AHHH, sorry I fangirled a little. lol I didn't expect comment swap to lead me to a story that showcases one of my favourite bands. I really loved this one-shot. I felt like you captured the feelings of loss and loneliness really well. The feeling of hopelessness and abandon. I think you wrote this well for the theme of the song as well and I found myself singing the lyrics whenever they came up briefly.

This story pulled at my heart strings in more ways than one. Great work!

Comment swap sent me here and I was not expecting to be sent on a feel trip, oh my!
I love this, it's so raw and real, the emotion is so strong. The type of wording you use is very simple, which is actually very good in this story because it creates an impact, anyone can understand the raw emotion behind it, there is no need for pretty wording to convey your message.

I recommended!

this is absolutly beautiful, I love how you split everything into sectons with the title in between, I started crying before it ended, i love it

Your story title is nice and seeks to appeal to the emotion of your audience, without announcing what emotion you're poking at. However, your layout hints at sorrow which is confirmed from your short summary. Skillfully worded, by the way.

~There's gun beside--I'm not sure if you meant gum or a gun.

That's the only mistake I found in the whole story. That and the fact that I cried as I read it. You expertly wove the song lyrics into your story. I can't get over the fact that there are those out there who have experienced this sort of pain and it really makes me feel for them. You did a fantastic job. I really loved this story.

I'm gonna quote this because this is pure awsomeness and emotion!
"Saying goodbye is always the hardest part.
Especially when you're saying it to someone you have always loved.
Especially when you are looking at forever without them.
Especially when they chose to leave. "
Ohmigosh you have some nasty talent going on! Please keep writING> I want to read more!

There is very strong emotion imbued throughout this story, which starts in media res, immediately grabbing the reader's attention and drawing them into the story. I really enjoyed how it was written in present-tense, but looking back upon a shattered relationship/life. You have a couple of grammar mistakes (comma splices, et al), but so minor that it doesn't take away from the story.

I thought this was really good! I think the paragraphs are a little long, though, which made it a little difficult to read at times and sometimes hard to keep up with. I think the ending felt like it was missing something, like a resolution of sorts, but it was still good!
Good luck in the contest!

Make sure you credit the song.

I really like this, especially how it was written as if he was talking to her. It was sad, but sweet. I wish the layout was prettier, but I'm a sucker for a pretty layout. Just be sure to not start a sentence with And, it's grammatically incorrect. There was also a piece in his "crumping and smoothing" that has like a code in it. It was distracting. I also liked, knowing that it was a songifc, how you italicized the lyrics. I do wish it was a bit of a stronger ending. But otherwise, it was truly lovely and well written! (:

My phone suddenly decided it would load the rest of the story, so I finally got to read the ending....it's so sad but you couldn't have ended it better

I got to "Its on a chain around my neck" and then my phone wouldn't load the rest....but what I was able to read was really deep and touching; I could feel Timothy's despair as I read, and I felt like crying.

Very deep.
I'm touched.
And very impressed.
It's sad though, very depressing. Though the way you wrote from him to her was lovely.