June 13th, 2012 at 08:53pm
Okay, so I'll admit, the first paragraph didn't really whoo me. The flow was a little choppy to me, I guess, amd a little awkward too. It's not terrible or anything, but not exactly hooking. And I totally thought when you said the first time it was messy I thought it was like sex-wise I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
IT'S TRICKY. I LIKE IT.
That being said, the rest of this story is absolutely fantastic oh my lord I love it. IT'S SO ADORABLE. AND CUTE. AND BEN AND JAMIE ARE JUST UMPH. I LOVE JAMIE. He's so fucking adorable teenage boyish that it's just perfect, because he's very... real, which, again, fantastic.
Just their meeting, this boy covered in mud squeaking hi and Ben's so lickable I was just like, I physically brought my hands up to cover my face it was so cute that it's unbearable.
And I think it's so cute that he has this routine of getting a drink just to see him because it's so believable to make little detours in anything just to see someone, hell I'd be lying if I said I never did it, so it was adorable-y relatable, and I really liked that. c:
Usually I'm pretty awkward reading smutty stuff, but this was a really great balance for someone as awkward as myself with realism but now like HARDCORE HEAVY too, just the right amount of pinch of it to make it sexy.
There are a couple times here and there you mess up with the tenses though, from past to present, nothing big but you know, I figure I'd mention it.
God, lickable. That was my favourite.
It seemed a little unresolved at the end, I'm not sure if you're continuing this? Because I mean, what about his mom, you know? I think it's nice that they go together but that's sort of an issue that needs to be... addressed, I guess?
Overall, loved it. It was great. Awesome layout too, by the way~! :D
This story was absolutely great and made me feel bad when I finished it, but don't get me wrong. It was a great length and had an even better resolution. And then you're all-around form was just great. Your adjectives sometimes and the way you phased things sometimes made me laugh, but in a good way because they were ways I would never have thought of describing it. But I felt that there was also a phrase or two that I just didn't seem to understand.
"The older man growled, and wow okay that was really fucking hot, and finally tore himself away from him." I felt like the "and wow okay that was really fucking hot" didn't make sense to me and came out awkward.
Overall, it was very interesting and is going to put my entry to shame. I absolutely loved it and wish you the best of luck because you deserve it.