Akatsuki High - Comments

Yay! Great update XD

I really like the way you fit all the Naruto characters in and it's so natural. My favourite chapter so far is Tobi's one but that might be because I love him so <3

Okay so I've only just read the first chapter but I just wanted to let you know I love it already.
The layout is amazing, you've described Deidara, Sakura and Tobi perfectly.
It's just the best Akatsuki story I've read so far :) I will comment futher along once I read more!

I love the layout!! XD I love Ouran High School Host Club and the Akatsuki! Haha, I think my favorite is Itachi in the picture. <3
I loved the first paragraph in the first chapter. It's so true! And I think that the chapters are really well written. I think I would've like it if you had maybe stayed with the characters personalities (for example Sasori seemed too nice and shy when in the anime/manga he's just really firm and all that stuff), but it's still good the way you portray them I think. (:
Overall, I'm really enjoying this story! Keep it up and great, great job!! :D

First of all I like the layout for your story and it seems to fit the story really well so far. I'll also be honest and admit that I'm not a big fan of anime but I'm willing to give this story a try. I liked your start and in the first chapter, I loved the sentence 'They fell serenely as the wind picked them off the trees.' The content was good and the dialogue you used was realistic and helps the reader to see the characters personalities and feelings well. But you could combine the sentences to create longer paragraphs as the paragraphs are quite short. Overall, it was a good read and I enjoyed reading it. Good luck with your story and Happy Halloween

For your sour skittles! :3

I like the summary, it's quite interesting though I have no idea how this will relate to the story. Also I'm not a Naruto fan but I'll give this a go.

Chapter one:

Nice opening sentence/ paragraph. It's short and draws the reader in making them want to read more. I think the description of your main character is quite bland though. I think a better way of describing a character is to slowly include their characteristics throughout the first chaoters so that the reader gradually begins to form their own picture of them. There's a lot of paragraphs that could be combined to create longer one's here. E.g.:

“This is too bright, no that won’t match, ugh why did I buy this?” Deidara grumbled, tossing clothes this way and that on the floor.

He finally found a grey V-neck t-shirt, a black belt and light blue jeans.

He took a look at himself and smiled, “I approve.”

It could be combined to make this:

“This is too bright, no that won’t match, ugh why did I buy this?” Deidara grumbled, tossing clothes this way and that on the floor. He finally found a grey V-neck t-shirt, a black belt and light blue jeans that he liked. Taking a look at himself, he couldn't help but smile, “I approve.”

It will help the story flow better. I agree with castiel's vessel that you have too much dialogue and not enough action/ description. It makes it hard for the reader to picure the scene.

Chapter two:

Again I like the opening paragraph for the chapter. They really do make the reader want to continue with your story. In the second paragraph they are all shortish sentences so you could try combining a few of them and this would help them flow better. However it is an improvement from the description in the previous chapter.

Although there's still too mcuh dialogue compared to action and description, the dialogue is realistic and gives the characters personality so well done on that :)

Overall I think you've got a good solid base to a good story, good luck with the rest of it! :)

Sweetie treat comment:

I really like the beginnings of each chapter. The little introduction to the chapter itself. It's effective and a good way of opening the chapters so I commend you on that. The characters are also quite charming and very likeable as well. Despite the fact that I don't know anime or who the characters are, they're easy to keep up with and I haven't found myself confused over them which is a good thing. The whole high school scene seems very realistic and I can almost see them in the situations that you place them in.

I haven't found a lot of mistakes, but a critic that I'm going to say is that you have quite a bit of dialogue and not a lot of detail and description. You should try and improve with your description so that the reader can get a firmer grasp on the surroundings of the characters in each of the chapters. But I'll also suggest not to overdo it with the description either because somethings just don't need to be explained in a lot of description, but rather can be given a bit of description and then left to the reader's imagination.

Overall, this seems like a cute little story and your characters are charming altogether. You're doing a really good job at the moment, so keep it up.

First thing's first: you change tenses every once in a while, and your sentences occasionally run on. Otherwise? Your characters are charming and you seem to have a good feel for them. I would suggest doing a little more showing and a little more telling. Not everything has to be explained in detail to the reader. Shoot for subtlety from time to time. Keep it up though, whatever you do. You seem to understand people and relationships between them really well.

I love this. Naruto is my fave anime so to see so many fan-fictions is so drool worthy xD

I normally do not like to read anime-based stories, but I've gotta say, yours is very well written unlike the other anime stories I've tried to look at. I like that you've turned these characters into basically a realistic situation. I only see a few mistakes, such as punctuations, and that there's no need to use two exclamation marks consecutively (!!). But other than that, great job! (:

Although I don't know the characters, I would say you've done an excellent job at portraying them. Your writing style is effortless and flows well. I would say try not to rely heavily on dialogue, however, as sometimes it interferes with descriptions. But other than that, I believe you've got a good fiction on your hands :)

This story is good. I really have no clue who these characters are but I enjoyed reading it. I think it was really well written and I just really liked this. I'll recommend it and I will subscribe to it because I do like it though I don't know much about the characters. <3

^THIS

Subscribing! The layout is so cute! <3
Would you please read one of my stories. Fair warning, they may suck. '^^

Great start of the story. Can't wait for the next chapter !