Doll of Fire - Comments

The prologue was fabulous and intense. It was so wide in scope, it takes in like everything, that it might be too much? Just the second sentence is intense enough to frame a story. I do see where it should be said an amazing amount of thought went into the prologue poetry. Perhaps you dashed it out in a minute still it takes a person years of thinking to dash that out.

The story lived up to the prologue, necessary, scary, real, powerful. My only big point is to suggest the mc's mind transition to a fantasy phase where she comes up with "this is a play." This because the rape scene says it's no play?

Here are my notes as I read:

often I prefer "home" to "house."

3ps1 delete "away?"

p4--you've "home" here so forget what I said about "house."

"...cold now, haunted." Fab! And it's foreshadowing!

"He never stopped." Powerful, logicall impossible but who cares? Powerful as can be!

"...wouldn’t stop crying, and neither could I." parallel structure seems disturbed. "could" should be anothe would?

The personification of the trees at the cemetery is fab!

The stage play, an attempt to soothe the sister?

Ha! Just when I was thinking this typo-free, I think I see a "combing" that should be combining?

Fab finale and final sentence.

At first I wasn't sure if how I was going to feel about this story, but the ending.. just wow.

I sometimes forget how messed up things were in the end and it pains me to remember that children were hurt. Innocent people were hurt.

You did an amazing job. I'm sobbing over here. It was simply beautiful.

This was amazing. & everything you did sounded perfect to me. I liked how this was very originality and it wasn't a basic stereotypical story that are always on here. You told history in one chapter & I felt the confusion and sadness.

Wow. I did not expect the experience I just went through when I clicked on this story. I'll admit that I was a little hesitant to read it, simply because many people write about the plague and may not do it justice, but this was a completely different spin on it, and holy crap, did it take me on a trip. At first, I too was thrown by the names, but then I remembered that this was 1300s France, and I haven't a clue about names from that era, and I assume you did research for the piece, so I won't complain there. I actually like them; I find them intriguing and original.

And as for the story itself, just wow. I find myself speechless. I know others pointed out that it seemed to switch from a child's point of view to an adult's vocabulary, but I know from experience that it is very difficult to write from a young child's point of view, so kudos on that. I loved how innocent this little girl and her sister were - the way that they saw the things going on was accurate from where a five-year-old would see it, and just wow. That fire is all I can think about. The simple way that you described people burning was powerful, and it gave a really dark and doomed sort of image in my mind when I pictured it.

As for criticism, I really just want to point out a few mechanical things. As the others have said, not all of the vocabulary is that of a young child's, so maybe give this another sweep through and work on that? Other than that, it confused me that this little girl wouldn't scream if she was being burned alive. Maybe if you went through that last paragraph and made it a little more realistic, it would work better. It just seems to me that if she was being burned, she would be screaming and crying because she still doesn't have a clue about what's going on (and perhaps she doesn't see the girl pick the doll up, but instead the girl sees it after the fire and takes it home? I don't know how that would work, but that was a really powerful detail.)

Overall, this was an excellent piece, and one of my favorite entries to this month's contest.

I'm going to firstly disagree with the people who are complaining about the names because if somebody has a name then that is their name, end of story. If someone wrote a story about a man named Mahatma Gandhi I'd like to think it wouldn't be a problem haha. As a Jew myself I do feel a deep sadness when reading things like this because the injustices my people have faced in history are a huge and present part of my culture. The one niggle I have is that in those days a twelve year old is basically an adult, girls were married and men go out to work. I seriously doubt tha if a girl was raped she would think it was some kind of play at a fair. Also the baby talk slightly annoyed me. Aside from this it was a very good story, not something we see everyday and I'm glad that you took the time to write about something with meaning :)

First off I like the title of your story! It's intriguing.

I think this story could use a better layout. You've put a lot of great details into your writing! Just be careful that you don't over do it (this can be boring and distracting to what's actually happening). Also, try to keep your story historically accurate!

You're doing a great job so far! It's a really great and unique idea! Keep up the good work!

This was amazing...I felt like I was there! This was just written wonderfully. The pain of the little girls was vivid enough to pull me in, their stubborness to stand up for themselves b/c they knew they had done nothing wrong, was amazing. I loved this story. I'm subscribing and wait for an update <3!

Woah. This really was something. I do not mind the names, in my eyes they went along with the flow.
The story is well-written though. It describes everything perfectly and gets the point across very clearly. It shows the unfairness and ruthlessness of the world and it's actually really heartbreaking.
It actually kept me reading until the end even though my Skype was notifyng me of messages which really shows something. It grabs attention and just keeps me focused on the matter. And even though it was short, for those couple of minutes, I was cut off from the real world.
It is really a great piece of writing.

Okay, before I start reading, I just want to say that I LOVE the Summary layout, absolutely creative and goes along PERFECTLY with the story. I love it. Now I shall start reading :))

-comment swap-
The layout is a bit difficult and pretty creepy actually, it's hard to focus on the story. I'm all for unique names, but when i have to spend a good deal of time trying to figure out how they're pronounced, it gets a bit irritating. I believe this is a beautiful story though, Just revamp some things stated previously.
Keep on keeping on!

I'm going to agree with Miss Crystal, the names are really long. They're pretty though but maybe give them some nick names after you introduce their full names. And the character seems way too mature to be a five year old. Unless you're telling the tale from adults point of few of when they were a child then it would make more sense. Other than that it is good, and I see that you are a good writer. It's pretty original, I haven't read one on this site alike to it so that's a plus.

Well good luck with the story and have a wonderful day!

For starters, the background with the doll makes it a little difficult to read. Also, the Cheshire cat didn't exist until long after the plague had ended. There's grammatical errors through parts of the story. I also don't understand how a girl that's supposed to be so young can go between talking like a child, and using adult words. There's also a problem with the names. I'm going to guess that they are traditional names, and they fit the story, but the names are a little too long, considering few people want to read long names constantly. That's just my two cents anyway.