You should turn this into a story, you left us hanging a bit. Or a short story if you're up for it. I want to see what happens D:
July 23rd, 2012 at 06:55am
You obviously have a real knack for writing, aha, considering how absolutely fabulous basically all of your descriptions were. Like mouth-watering amazing. Yep. Basically, aha. I love how you talk in verbs at the beginning, it really sets a fast sort of pace for the entire story, and it really raises up the interest level.
Oh god, I hate when a story starts off with... boring description, especially of setting or the weather or whatever, I love when a story just starts off by thrusting you into the action. It's so hooking and that's what gives me the motivation to keep reading! :3
The only things I saw a really problem with is your tenses (you really got to work on that, you switch consitently from past to present to past like... a lot of times throughout the chapter, aha, I know it can be hard but either try re-reading it or getting someone else to, and you'll find the differences) and how in the narration, sometimes it just doesn't fit. Like saying dude, but in the narration, in the dialogue it fits well but it sounds awkward, and same with using "so".
Does that make sense? I get the boy-ish tone that you're going for, but sometimes it sounds a little... forced. But the dialogue is great, I really hate it when boys sound way too feminine, and your boys defintitely sound like boys.
Considering I'm reading this as a oneshot, its rather unfinished, so that will affect it, but I think for a full out chaptered story this has a lot of potential to be something rather super awesome. :3