Stay With Me - Comments

COMMENT SWAP
The summary was really short, not enough detail and it just seems really cliche. Layout is really basic but it makes for easier reading. I read the first chapter and it still feels kind of the same, short sentences and I feel like I'm halting every time I see a full stop suddenly. Just put some more detail in, bit more backstory to the first chapter.

Very interesting!

Patiently waiting for an updates, more sexytime

I like this chapter. I'm looking forward to more

When are you going to update!

Your layouts a bit different than anything I've ever seen, i can't really decide if that's a good thing or not.

He got to the Rangers goalkeeper. Giroux flew over to him. I stood up, with everyone else, as Briere shot the game winning goal. The horn blew as I wooped, throwing my arms in the air. Matt grabbed me into a bear hug. these are extremely simple sentences, I'm reading this a little like a robot. Every full stop is a pause and it's halty to read. Branch out into complex sentences; use punctuation and words to join them together.

You use 'I' too much, try and widen your vocabulary. The same for 'commented' there is a world of words you can use instead of that.

(it's June ok) a comma is needed before the ok.

I'm only going off the first and second chapter in saying this, but you need to widen your range. While everything you use is correct, it's very novice. I'd suggest experimenting with more advanced techniques and substituting plain words for more exotic ones.

Really good chapter! *sigh* why can't Sean be my boyfriend

I love this! Please continue I need more sexytime

Comment-swapper here!

First of all, I'm not a hockey fan and have no idea what are the terms used in a hockey game. I know this is your first hockey fic, but probably you need to be more detailed as you've entered this story in the comment swap. Bear in mind that the readers who are not hockey fans will get a bit "lost" here.

I only read the first chapter so I'm going to give my comments on that chapter only. I spotted a few grammar mistakes and some wrong sentence structure. Just have a look into that and it'll be fine.

And also, why is the main character being so nasty to her friend? Or is it her boyfriend?

I'm not really a hockey fan but, it seems to be off to a good start, despite popular opinion. I didn't understand a thing about the hockey game but, the other descriptions were fine. Especially about the anemia thing. The "It broke" line was pretty funny. Any way keep up the good work.

This story is off to a fantastic start! It's very well written, but I have a few tips to give you. You might want to write the story as if you expect the reader to have no background knowledge of hockey. That way everything is very detailed and easy to follow. The only other idea I have is that it may be helpful if you didn't skip as much time in between chapters, or explained what happened since the previous chapter. If that makes sense...
Anyways, this story has a great plot and I can see it going very far.

Im a comment swapper. Ive never read a hockey fanfic before or even watched a hockey game so at the begin i was a little bit confused but once i read it i got into it. You are a really good writer and show good character development. Also i felt quite sorry for Matt with how Alli was treating him

comment swap;
One thing first is to try to do something with the layout, it catches our eyes and kind of leads us to the story.

Secondly, it's really well written, but you have to write it as if someone doesn't know a thing about hockey. It's a good start, but you have to be descriptive. Don't be afraid to drag out a chapter as long as you have all the nessecary things, it'll work out just fine. Good job, though! :)

comment swap.
your layout is reaaally bland. not always a bad thing, but you could at least post a picture of the player you're writing about.

"I looked down at my Flyers-supportive outfit: black flip flops(it's June ok), holey skinny jeans and, of course, a Briere jersey."
your parenthesis are awkwardly spaced, and there needs to be a comma after June, (it's June, okay?).

you're not using very much detail, which i feel like is kind of necessary. i mean, i don't read or watch or have anything to do with hockey, so without fantastic dialouge and descriptions, it'll be hard for me to get into this story.
you have a few grammar errors scattered about, which is easily fixed. i think your story would be twenty times better with more details as to what's happening within alli and matt's lives.

An interesting story for sure. Your dialogue is good between the characters, and your detail was a plus. Your interactions and descriptions are good. You are good at writing though and I like the writing style and story. Well done!

Ignore my last comment it wouldn,t let me edit it and i didn't finish the post before i accidentally submitted it sorry :(

Your story is fantastically written, and I love you writing style, I also am not much into hockey as it isn’t a big thing were I live but your story definitely had me very interested, it’s very gripping and the plot line is original, good grammar and no mistakes from what I can see. Can’t wait to read more of the stuff you write.

Your story is great, it's written fantstically and i cant wait to read more of the stuff you've written.

I'm not much into hockey fan fics really. But I will say that this was good. Your writing seems really good. I didn't see any mistakes, so that's a plus. I don't know if I'll keep on reading this, but it did get my attention, so I will try!! Good story!

Okay so I don't know anything about hockey but I really enjoyed you're story! You use really good grammar, which I absolutely adore because there is nothing that bothers me more than people who don't know how to write! I'm for sure going to keep an eye on this story, since you're one of the few I've come across with such good writing!

I absolutely love hockey so I loved this story! I am a Blues fan, so I do have a little something against Philadelphia -_- I think you know how that goes. I think you wrote this story really well and the chapters flow together nicely! Alli is also really awesome. She cracks me up sometimes!