Gone with the Sin - Comments

Haha, thank you for the thanks xD! I can't help it, it's such a lovely story! This chapter you did really well with and I could only find two errors. Not to worry though, they're insignificant :)

"...was stained with remains of ruby lipstick..." I believe you meant "the remains" or "remnants of the ruby lipstick" Just a thought, you could just leave it though.

“Geeze, what is this[, just to signify a pause] interrogation hour[?] I’m doin’ it tonight, that alright[?]” The commas were just a bit confusing.

Loving the updates. Although I have to go spelling/grammar nazi once more (for Ch. 5). But hey it's a good thing :D

"The child with the wayward smile and winter skin was closer to me than I could possibly imagen." Misspelled "imagine."

"I was given her mother as sign that she too were soon t be in my clutches."

I believe you meant, "I was given her mother as (a) sign that she too(,) [removal of "were"] (would) soon [removal of "t"] be in my clutches."

"I gazed down on the withered flower of what one day were to by my moppet." This sentence could use revising, I'm not quite sure what it means xD

"Quickly I tightened my tie and shrugged on a jacket as I manoeuvred around flowers and decorations for the Darling woman’s visitation." Misspelled "maneuvered."

"“I did not want the spoiled before the visitation tomorrow.”" I believed you meant "them to" replacing "the."

And the third to last sentence is missing an end quotation mark. Ugh, sorry this is taking up space >.<

In chapter one. Jonathan is recalling how he became obsessed with Liz at his trial, at that moment she is 15.
When he descirbes meeting her. she was 13.

Sorry Im all over the place today.
I though you were refering to something completely different -.-
Sorry, Im dumb.

his confusion about her age actually has something to do with a future chapter.

Ah, yeah sorry.
I am working on cleaning everything up, I just have been going crazy with ideas.
Liz is 13, in the first chapter, when Jonathan is admiring her, he is guessing her age. So she appears to be older then she actually is.

Sorry for my lack of comments on the other two chapters. They were as good as ever. However I have to offer a bit of constructive criticism and say that your grammar was a little off and that chapter 4 was a bit confusing. I also had a question about Liz's age. Is she 13 or 15 because I remember in the first chapter you portrayed her as 15

I love how you write and where the story is going. Subbed :D

Also, there were a few minor spelling mistakes in Chapters 2, 3 and 4.

For Ch. 2 I believe you meant "peek" and not "peak" in the sentence: “Do I?” I smiled taking a peak at her once more, her emerald eyes sparkling in the yellow light.

For Ch. 3 I also believe you meant "caught" not "cought" in: “Should we get started?” I glanced at the yellow haired brat. She was undoing her small frock, I cought her hand.

In Ch. 4 in the last line of words you have "o" I believe you meant "to" for when the character pleads guilty.

Asides from that, this story is brilliant (sorry for being a spelling nazi xD)

Another good chapter. I'm glad you started writing in paragraphs; thank you :).
This chapter was really good. I like maturity you gave Mary and Jonathan but kept them childish at the same time. Jonathan is truly a victim of circumstances. Good work.

As for the indenting I think there's a code you have to use to do it.

The way your arrange your sentences as Jonathan is awesome! I love it already.

It's good. Write in actual paragraphs please (:

It's a bit dark and cynical but I like it so far. I'm interested to see how this goes. Please post again soon