How the Heart Beats - Comments

First off, the summary could use some work. Maybe something a little more catching, something to make the reader really interested in how the story plays out. One thing I would recommend and have seen is people take scenes from their story and put parts of it in the summary as well as a small synopsis.

Second, run on sentence. For example, "Seb and I had been friends for a few years now, so it wasn't unusual that he’d asked me over, but something told me he wasn't merely interested in playing video games or watching TV and my intuition about those things was usually right." This is more like a run on sentence so I think you would benefit from editing it into two different sentence.

I really like how you are being descriptive through the story, it really helps imagine the characters. I like the idea of the story and so far the chapters are very good with a few errors. Keep up the good writing and you'll have yourself a best seller. Also, please don't take my comment as being harsh. I just want to help you make your story more appealing.

I got this story through comment swap. And I have a few critiques. Firstly, I think that the text box is too wide, and the layout could change. The picture in the back doesn't fit. One thing I do like is the shadow around the text of the story. Your writing is pretty good, and I like the way you describe the characters, overall, this is pretty good. :)

Comment swap:

I don't really like the layout, the only thing that shouldn't be there is the random image in the background.

Some of the things you mentioned are a little cliche, but the story line isn't bad and I enjoy your writing style. There are a few grammar mistakes, but I did like reading this [:

whilst this story may not be totally unique in concept, i love the way it's written. the dialogue is good, and although some of the characters could be called "clichés" i think that they work, and come across as pretty genuine, because a lot of things ARE clichés, and it shouldn't matter.

great writing, and an enjoyable read. a few spelling and grammar mistakes, but nothing serious. <33 :--)

I found this from comment swap so I only read the first chapter. The words, and mannerisms, are very cliche. The whole cheerleader thing kinda put me off since it's been so used. I saw some grammatical errors along with spelling. I feel like this is a cliche vampire story but when I read the summary, I get confused. I dunno, but it seems interesting! And the characters seem deep. Good luck darling!

I was basically going to say that you should give unique details and dialogue. Think about why the character uses certain words in a new way that you don't find familiar. By familiar I mean cliche bad boys would say it kind of thing. Make everything new like your unique plot.
Sorry about my confusing message down there! That wasn't my intention at all. I had to go because I was called and I pressed comment before I even got my thoughts together. Forgive me?

I must say, the concept of this story really grabbed my attention. It's well written and doesn't hold many mistakes. Chapter seven though you did have quite a few silly mistakes. Like instead of 'bag' you put 'bad'. But that's nothing a little editting can't fix.

Another thing pertaining mistakes, you're punctuation and grammar is wrong with your dialogue. I suggest just looking up how to do it properly, because that's how I learned. You'll get the hang of it after awhile. Here's a little example though. Say you put - "It's nice to see you." She said.
That is incorrect. What it should be is "It's nice to see you," she said. There's other rules too when it comes to ! and ?. Well I shouldn't say other rules but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Anyways, I quite enjoyed the first few chapters. However, the chapters after got to me. It just went all a little too fast, and it was unrealistic. I agree with the commenter before me, I think you should change it to a distopian kind of era, because the way things are moving is just not how modern day people live. I know it's your story and it's ultimately your choice, but it made me really uncomfortable how one minute Shadow is whatever about Stella and doesn't really talk to her ever, then BAM they're in love. Stuff like that happens sometimes, but generally it's really unheard of. I'm not a particular fan of it.

I feel that you really could have slowed this story down. These seven chapters could easily be turned into twenty. You kinda of leave a lot out and it is all really vague.

Overall it's a great idea you have! I think I would've liked it a bit more if you slowed the pace, and explained things into more detail. Make it more real time then fast forward.

Now, I hope you don't think I'm being harsh. It's not my intention and
I feel like I have to say that because this story isn't bad at all. You don't have to use my suggestions and not everyone will like your work! I just ask that you really consider brushing up on dialogue punctuation and kinda consider slowing the pace a bit.

A general already? Explain why, how what? How can a teenager be a general? If you give this more details, to make it sound like a different world it would be awesome. Also, as this from the point of view of a demon as you stated then they should have more insights that anyone on the different world and the war.

Like the other reviewer, I agree. This story is very addicting. There were a few grammar mistakes but honestly it doesn’t take away from the story. I love the way Shadow is helping in a war but also finding some humanity with Stella. Both characters are very powerfully written and just great! I’m going to subscribe, I cannot wait for another update!

I actually did not plan on reading all of that... But I did.
Why, you ask?
Because it's freaking addictive.
However, I did notice a few typos that sorta... Stopped the flow for a bit. Surprisingly I didn't care because I was just too in love with Shadow to give a flipping fuck.
Anyway, other than that, I think it's great. You've got a really individual plot and it's so unique and it really pulls the reader in :)

Comment swap:
I like your summery, it gives a clear introduction to what the story is about.
The picture on your background is a bit lost however as the text seems to be blocking it. The shadow along the main block of text is a bit strange but that may be my personal preference xD
Oh and your chapter titles you switch from typing out the number to just putting the number in the title. Cosmetic thing that doesn't really matter, just pointing it out.
The story seems interesting :)

I like your type of writing style. It shows the trueness of each character you create. I'm not a fan of the demon thing but I really like the story line. Please continue and please turn this into a book. You have the writing potential. Another thing... I really like your story layout. The read show permiscuousness and the writing is legable. I like how you spaced out each paragraph too. Great writing! Keep Going!

Okay first off you need spaces between all your paragraphs; it's not only a Mibba rule but it also makes your story look a lot nicer and much less intimidating.

This starts off kind of slow, and he's a bit rude to the girl on the train for no reason, I just feel like he's kind of hard to like. Also I"m not sure I get this random invite to join a clan for a war.

You write well, I'll easily give you that. Just be careful about how you present your characters at the start!

Okay. I got this off the comment swap. And at first I wont lie, I was disappointed. I usually don't like stories with demons, devils, or angels since they are such a big deal to me. Most people end up ruining my image of them which I hate. I thought this was one of those stories from the summary. But as I read on, I enjoyed it a lot. You're vague about the demon lifestyle which I like. It makes my imagination fill the blanks. I enjoy your way of writing. It's not. . . whats the word, heavy? It's light? I can't explain it. It's a term arabs use lol. But overall, good job :D

First comment, wooop woop! So I got this story off of comment swapper and I must say that I was rather impressed. You show great sense of plot and your attention to detail is great. Your words could flow a bit easier but other than that, I really have no criticism. Please continue writing because you are very good and I can’t wait for your next update, I just subscribed. :)