Internally Dead - Comments

Happy to help! We all need some decent constructive criticism now and then to keep us on track, and I don't give comments like I did for you if I didn't genuinely want to help.

Yeah, editing is something that you have to train yourself to do. You have to practice it. When I was learning how to proofread properly it helped if I hand-wrote the chapters first, then word processed them (basically it gives you a first edit), then I'd proofread again. Then I leave it for a day, sleep on it, or give it a few hours, depending on what time I finish it. Then I proofread/edit again, then finally post. And of course you'll want to check it once you've actually posted it. It seems like a fair amount of work but it gets easier and faster the longer you work at it.

Custom layouts are tricky, but there are tons of pre-made ones which are really easy to use. Just go to this page and have a look. Personally I like to make them myself. I'm not the most computer savvy person, but for me layouts are an important part of writing on the internet so I want them to be personal. Even if it means hours of frustration. So if you're interested, this is a great tutorial on the layout maker. Have a play around!

I love moments like that, where the characters sort of possess you. It's usually when you get some of your best writing.

It's nice to see that you appreciate the comment. Some people get either super defensive or just ignore you and it's like "I wasn't trying to be mean! I was trying to help!" But yeah, just take your time and don't be scared to research things. I google all the time for stories, and Mibba's Knowledge Base is pretty helpful too

@ MistressOfInsanity
Well gosh thank you so much for all the feedback. I needed that. I don't really have people to edit my story so sometimes I have a lot of mistakes because I miss them myself (you would be surprised how much I do that). I don't quite know how to make a custom layout or else I would have done it already lol but I will work on it. And the italics was what I forgot how to do so thanks for reminding me. Oh and I love the "I only had enough money to buy paint for you." line too! I really surprise myself sometimes. It is moments like these that I say the character speaks for themselves lol. Overall, I am just genuinely happy you responded so well. I will fix some things and remember to keep a thesaurus around lol1 Thanks again! It is much appreciated! :)

I decided to do this review style so I cover everything I need to

I love the title; it's to the point but could be a little cryptic too, and sinister. It's great.

I hate to do this, but you should probably invest in a custom layout. Even something simple will immediately attract more readers. Personally if I have to choose between reading something with a layout and without, almost every time I'd pick the layout (unless it's absolutely garish). It's superficial, but it shows that you care about your story, wanting it to be visually appealing as well as well-written.

For your summary I think for it to be more effective, you should shorten it, seeing as it's an excerpt. I love the last line "I am afraid I will end up like the others…" and think that'd spike my curiosity. Sometimes less is more.

Chapter One
First off, you need to separate your paragraphs, including your dialogue (each new one should have its own paragraph).

I'm assuming that the 'waiting' sentences are for dramatic effect but they could probably use some re-working. They're a bit awkward.

I like how it ended but I felt like there was too much description of their relationship and Sophie's feelings for a starting chapter. Internal dialogue is something you have to use very carefully in the opening so you don't overwhelm the reader.

Also another grammar thing, when you're describing what someone's saying eg. He said, then you need to end the speech with a comma.

Chapter Two

I think you need to go for more subtlety in your description of the parents. Show, not tell. I find flashback (use italics or something to indicate this) is really useful in cases like these. It creates suspense. For example, show a snippet of the abuse.
Same sort of thing with Danny. You need to make the reader experience a character's past so they can appreciate the present and build a relationship with the protagonist.

Numbers you need to write out fully in stories. So "my eleventh birthday" rather than "11th."

Chapter Three

This is something I've noticed from the beginning, but you need to proof-read more carefully. You seem to have a couple of little typo things in each chapter.

Also, try and vary your word choice a bit more. If you're using the same word twice or more in one paragraph, it starts to feel redundant. Keeping a thesaurus handy or right-clicking (if you're using Word) will help you out there.

Some of your language is awkward. At the moment I can't tell if it's meant to be a time period thing or not, but generally speaking, you'll want to use more contractions so it's less formal.
ie. When you are in school could go to When you're in school. It just flows neater.

"I only had enough money to buy paint for you," aw, my heart. That was such a cute little line.

Chapter Four

Alright, letters and text messages, whatever, you should use BBcode to italicize. So [i*] and [/i*] around the phrase you need, obviously without the stars.

Chapter Five

I quite like Anna's outgoing personality but otherwise there's not too much I can say about this chapter.

I didn't expect to get to this for a while, but here we go I suppose! Obviously this is just at the beginning so I can't really say much about the plot and characters, but it has potential that's for sure. Just focus on the things I mentioned and you'll be on your way! Good luck with it! :)