Mental Hospital Notebook - Comments

First off, the opening speech could be about anything. She could be describing any number of problems and I like it because it sort of resonates, y'know? Despite the chapter title, it could be referring to any number of things that the reader themselves could relate to.

The chapter jumps quite a lot but it works because it's in third person and it feels like we're in her mind and she's having trouble focusing on any one thing for too long. And how you've got her thoughts on not wanting to be there, how she got there, on what she hears from attendants and nurses and all that sort of kerfuffle mixed together. I really, really like that. Gives a more intimate and realistic feel to the main character rather than the blunt, forward narrative that most do.

I want to know whether Nessa will impact our main character in any way, but at the same time I'm not entirely hopeful because to be in that place, she's going to be rather similar but in her own destructive way and sometimes putting them together isn't the best thing that one can do. But also I know they can be the best source of comfort and support, so maybe she'll help. Maybe they'll help each other? Who knows.



Woah, woah, woah. The ending. I just can't. It threw me. Complete and utter threw me. She felt unhinged and not quite better or even ready to attempt to be better, but it just was a sudden jump and I wasn't expecting it at all. It definitely highlights how you can hide something like that - be all smiles and laughter and give these false words that everyone is desperate to hear and believe when in reality you are just unhappy and hopeless and completely at the bottom with no way up. A shock and abrupt ending but at the same time, really fitting and real. That's the main thing. It's real and is how it can happen and there can be no indication until the moment of discovery.

The journal entries were a good touch. With how short and blunt and personal they are, it feels like something that could actually have been written. People don't often write entirely coherent journal entries, especially not when they're confined to a ward like that, so I like that you kept them short. Also that girl who killed herself was just sad. When you're that desperate that you'll find something like that to kill yourself, it definitely feels like there is no chance at help. I really feel for her even though she took up only a few lines. I just really relate to her and to this piece in general, really. It's struck deep.

I love the summary for this! It leaves you in a mindset where you an't actually figure out whether the narrator is insane or not. It's definitely a good hook into the story itself for sure.

Cutting

I love how this starts off with the main character discussing the whole thing. It kinda just throws you right in with no explanation other than the summary, which speaks to the chaotic nature of the MC's current mindset. What I also really like at the beginning is that you have this contrast in what the MC is paying attention to -- you've got them answering the questions with a degree of certainty, but you've also got this rapid shift to talking about the sounds and setting around them. It's a really clever way of putting the reader into the shoes of the MC, because you do get that chaotic feeling coming around again, which fits in perfectly with the story summary and that question you left at the end of it.

Throughout this chapter as well, you've got this wonderful back-and-forth between what to do and what the MC wants, which is also really interesting, especially the part where they contemplate whether escape is good and bad. It's actually a really logical way of thinking, so it gives an insight into how the MC thinks and how they process stuff, which is really nice character insight.

I'm really interested to see how Nessa arriving will affect Eva, and how it's going to change her story.

Journals

I like the use of the 'journal' entries and the written part of this chapter. It kinda makes me feel like I know a little more about her and the personal struggles she is going through on the days that she writes. I also really like this build-up to the week's holiday (I have no other word for it, I know that word is grossly wrong in the contest) and how excited she seems over it.

The ending for this as well... woah. I think this hit me pretty hard because I've known people, good friends, that have committed suicide and it's made me wonder whether they went through the same things. It's absolutely heartbreaking to think about the fact that some people feel like this is the only way to be free. Looking back on the chapter now though, you've added all of these little aspects into the journal entires that almost point towards the ending, which is really subtle and clever in a writing sense. It was definitely incredibly emotional reading that last part and realising that it all tied together.

Overall, this was a turbulent read and I really enjoyed the way you wrote it. It was done with tact, and you've handled a difficult subject with such a wonderful writing style. You've did an amazing job of such a heavy topic, so serious props to you.

Definitely definitely love how the summary ends with “am I really insane?” It just makes me think of the possible things our main character will encounter.

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I really liked how well you got into the main character’s head. It was realistic and the flow of her thoughts weren't too overwhelming. I definitely liked how it balanced out the dialogue because I got a feel of what going on and how she views what was going on. As this is the first time I'm reading a story like this, I felt small chills on my arms. I think it happened because it's written through her POV. First person was a great choice because you got into her head almost perfectly and seamlessly.

It was interesting how you wrote about her thinking and reminiscing about him. I felt slightly confused at first mainly because the thought of him came out of the blue. I also thought that it was cute and admirable how she thought about him~ it's probably the romantic in me talking but

“Escape could be both a good and a bad idea at this point.” This simple line has to be my favorite in this chapter. I liked how well could branch out so many ideas. And ugggh it’s peeling so many layers of her mindset. I love it.

It was so sad how her mother was brought into the chapter. I hate how there's not a great vibe between them, and how Evalyn is with her mother. I feel like she needs her mother's support, you know?

I also liked the entry of Nessa. Eva needs friendship support and so this new character will be great for her! The ending of this is such a great gateway to future chapters / plot ideas.

Journals

This entire chapter was a great touch and a fantastic idea. Through the small entries, we get a better look into Eva’s life.

I'm usually hesitant when reading journal-like chapters because it tends to sound like the writer's voice rather than the character's voice. You, however, make your character’s voice shine. She's telling parts of her life and it’s fantastically formatted. This chapter was smoothly written, and when I was reading it, I was thinking it wasn't choppy.

I liked August 4’s entry. To add onto the journals, I liked how it's a small timeline of Eva’s life. With her voice heard, it's just gives me a raw view of her.

The ending of this chapter really made me tear up. The build up was fantastic (props to the writer) and so I wasn't expecting it. The family tie you added for the last line just hit me hard~ I felt so many emotions running through my head.

You have such a great touch with words. I especially liked how well you you managed to get the readers hooked and feel these emotions when reading your work. I do have to say that the layout is much more lighter than I thought it should be as I finished reading the story. BUT the pastel colors relating to the actual plot has such a nice twist~ she's finally feeling something that makes her feel, for a lack of better betters, happy with her final actions.

this layout is really lovely. The background kind of reminds me of a hospital floor or something, which is kind of weird but hey

Cutting
I feel like this chapter was a little...scattered? I don't know if that's the right word, but I think that fit with the subject matter really well. We could really see her thoughts/things that were going through her mind and I know if I was in that situation, I'd be scattered as well.

I liked that you started the chapter off with dialogue. It felt like it really gave a good introduction to both the character and the story and gave you a good place to start the story from. I also liked how you balanced the dialogue and description quite well, which I feel like might be a bit hard to do because the character has a bit of an inner monologue going on and I know I would have a hard time balancing everything so one part doesn't get overwhelming, but I thought you did well with that.

There were a couple things I noticed, though. The flow of the chapter was a bit confusing to me, I think because it jumped around to quite few different settings, so at times it felt a bit hard to follow. The way the characters interacted was a bit confusing to me as well. I feel like because, in my mind, since the Evalyn seemed to be kind of ashamed/not wanting to talk about her self harm and what not, it seemed a little odd to me that she would open up to Nessa so fast. I mean, I've never been in that situation before, so I'm kind of just basing this off of assumptions I guess, so that could just be my bad.

Evalyn also seemed to talk really formally, especially for a 17 year old. I don't really know her background or anything, but I would think that teenagers would speak a little more colloquially, I guess.

Also for this:
But nothing happened after that. After that everything was black. After that I woke up in a room that looked more like the ER than the hallway I was just standing in. Like one of the rooms you’d see on House.
You have after that quite a few times in this sentence which felt a little repetitive.

Journals
I really liked the way you formatted the journals. It was really cool that you were able to get into Evalyn's head and describe the thought process of a someone living with mental illness so well. I would imagine her writing all the entries and you could really see when she had her up days and down days. I thought the part where she was wanting to get better so that people weren't wasting their time was really sad but also really, really realistic.

I can't talk enough about how realistic this is. How she feels something that resembles happiness when she's around people but the depression and everything is overbearing when she's by herself or not with certain people and there's nothing you can do about it.

My god, the ending was so, so horrible. It made me feel kind of nauseous to read it; it's so incredibly sad to think that this happens a lot more often than anyone wants to admit and no matter how much you try, you can't always get better and it just becomes to much.

One thing I noticed:
It will only be fore a week though, to visit with everyone.
"Fore" should be "for".

This was really heart wrenching and lovely and I thought you did a great job with it, especially considering how heavy the subject was. Great job.

Hello, thank you for entering my contest! It is highly appreciated.

I always love when stories start out with quotes, especially ones like yours that are vague but not too vague. I think you’ve really portrayed the disorder wonderfully. It might be just be in my experience, but never has there been a more true statement than saying that some days it was worse than others. Some people think if you’re okay one day, you’re okay forever. But it’s not like that at all. You’ve balanced out dialogue and description very well! I’m very interested and reading your next chapter. I’ll comment again once it’s up so you’ll have all together a 200+ word comment like promised.

Since you said the banner was you, I’m going to assume this is a disorder you’ve dealt with, and I’d like you to know, if you ever need someone to speak with, I am here for you. (:

ALL THE FEELS.