Good Intent - Comments

I love the imagery in this, I can really see everything that's happening in this and it just adds to the atmosphere. You have a really engaging voice in your writing. You do use a few cliches though, like 'curtain of black hair', but it doesn't take away from the story.

I love the imagery in this, I can really see everything that's happening in this and it just adds to the atmosphere. You have a really engaging voice in your writing. You do use a few cliches though, like 'curtain of black hair', but it doesn't take away from the story.

Whoops, sent my comment before I meant to. Second place? Really? I have to agree with them on this.. it should have gotten first.. It's so beautiful, and as I said, by the end I needed more, and I really wanted to know if she had underwear on or not. Congrats on the contest!

Whoops, sent my comment before I meant to. Second place? Really? I have to agree with them on this.. it should have gotten first.. It's so beautiful, and as I said, by the end I needed more, and I really wanted to know if she had underwear on or not. Congrats on the contest!

This is beautiful! At the end, I wanted more. Like, I need to know! It flows so well....

wow, this is absolutely beautiful. this received second place? have to agree with writer in the rye, i'd expect something like this to take first place. your writing style (though diff from your author's note) is so breathtaking & the way you constantly bring the reader in with your assortment of vocabulary without having anything repeat is flawless. from start to finish, this had just enhanced me & i was seriously breathless by the time i finished. absolutely perfect, job well done!

wow, this is absolutely beautiful. this received second place? have to agree with writer in the rye, i'd expect something like this to take first place. your writing style (though diff from your author's note) is so breathtaking & the way you constantly bring the reader in with your assortment of vocabulary without having anything repeat is flawless. from start to finish, this had just enhanced me & i was seriously breathless by the time i finished. absolutely perfect, job well done!

Comment Swap:

Second place? Really? Should've been first! This story flows eerily well and even though it's barely progressed chapter-wise, the character development is evident and intriguing. Your characters talk in such a quaint way that draws the reader in, making them hungary. A job well done!

God Bless,

Olivia

Comment Swap:
You did a very nice job of keeping it in present tense without slipping into past. I really like the dialect between the characters. There is just the right amount of description between the talking that makes the story flow. The characters seemed really real and I liked how there were kinda playing with each other. Heck by the end I was even wondering if she was wearing underwear. lol.

Time for business:
First thing I noticed right off the bat was that in the second sentence you said, 'She's stood on a curb, not a street corner'. 'She's' should be 'she'. Also I don't think you needed to add the second part of the sentence. To me it doesn't flow right. Same thing again in the second paragraph, 'He's sat on a bench' should be 'He sat on a bench. That's all that I find grammatically incorrect here.

That's interesting. I love her personality and I am quite curious as to whether she's wearing underwear beneath. I love the male's thought process thrown in there as well

I like the premise of this. Not much going on but it's a nice little story. The image at the top is nice and I absolutely am in love with this line 'there’s a kiss of dark lipstick on the end.' That's absolutely lovely.

I loved this. I liked how they kind of.. toyed with each other, and it left me wanting more. Well done!

Comment Swap!

Your first few lines could use some touching up, it didn’t quite intrigue me, but the second paragraph got me excite and I kept reading. You lack some descriptions in certain areas, just remember that you have to trap us in your story and stop us from wondering off. There are also spots that seem to skip as if it was a scratched disk. Read this out to yourself aloud and see if you can notice what I have. Using a lot more similes will add to your characters profile, mention key items like clothing, shoe laces that need tying, the way their hair is done or if their rooms are clean. Slowly build a character one brick at a time and you’ll keep the reads following you.

That’s for the read.

I love the layout, firstly. It fits the story perfectly and is simple. Secondly, I really think you did a great job at displaying both their characters. Even though it's a short story it tells you a lot, and I love the description. I also love how the girl is so young and snarky.

I really think you did a great job at displaying both their characters. Even though it's a short story it tells you a lot, and I love the description. I also love how the girl is so young and snarky.

It's always impressive when someone can say so much about people and a situation without saying much, and you did that so well. And you're really doing well with present tense. A couple places are a little iffy on grammar, but it's mostly sound. You brought this shady scene to life and I, for one, am definitely impressed with it.

You've got a really neat style going on here. The combination of the dialogue and descriptions almost remind me of a script I had for a play once, with the variety of sentences and such. Very detailed and so easy to imagine, yet not drawn out and boring. A bit like watching a scene in a play or a TV show.

You also have a way of introducing the reader the characters without making it forced. The story does that itself(I hope that made sense.)

I found this very interesting. I love how little they have to say to make the reader help get to know them. Not too much detail; just enough to give a person a clear picture without overwhelming them.

I love this: loosens his grey tie, loosens his morals.

I like how you write and I'm interested in reading more of what you've written.

This is very well written. I love the descriptions and the way that the writing was fluent. It's also very interesting, like you don't know whats going to happen next. At the beginning she seemed very arrogant, but turned around and they both ended up being very snarky. It's very interesting.

The grammar in the second sentence is incorrect, so you might wanna fix that!
Aside from that, this is a really good one shot! You had really good descriptions and it was beautifully written. I thought it was funny how sassy Norma was.
I like how you ended the story. It let the readers infer what happened next, which I think is a good way to end one shots.